I wanted to greet the day worthy of its beauty. The dawn is just crisping over the treetops and the animals are restless, but not yet yelling, for their modicum of breakfast. Soon.....
I think that when I came out of the womb the first feeling I encountered was fear. If I could have spoken I am convinced that it would have been that. And it has been my major battle my whole life. I think the worst thing is that it makes me mean and small spirited and that is a true battle. I realize how thin a veneer is my front of courage. Everyday I ask the Holy Spirit for courage realizing that I have none and only hope for it.
I cannot defeat the fear that is part of me. I cannot separate it from myself. My own battle is a conflict that only lowers its head, it does not leave.
How comfortable I am! How I surround myself with that which is unthreatening to me! How I am so careful to not injure the bubble I protect myself with! All the time I know that this bubble is so fragile and it is so patched that my vision through it is distorted.
I have asked God why I am the way I am. Why has fear been such a part of my very soul - inseparable? Why is my life such battle? Conflict with myself is really all I understand or have ever understood. If it brings me to God then I thank Him. But it is an uncomfortable bedfellow. I wish sometimes I could just fling it off and be free of it. That I must look forward to.
Oh wretched woman that I am! That which I want to do I fail to do. That which I want to be is as unreachable as the stars. To be a fine person through and through evades me and teaches me the mercy of God. Not that I love fear nor like what it does to me, but if it is the only vehicle that brings me to my knees then I must welcome it.
2 comments:
I find that I struggle with the same thing-my fear makes me angry and my anger makes me ashamed until I am existing internally on one tier and putting on the face of another. I always thought that maybe the old "practice makes perfect" adage would apply eventually, but it doesn't (at least in my experience). Maybe the fear comes from the very real NOT KNOWING that just IS from the beginning. We come to know very concrete things, such as "I'm hungry", and likewise how to attend to them. It's an easy lesson. The intricacies of personality are a different puzzle. We can observe what others do, but it's a slightly different language, and easy to get caught up in the fear again. (i.e., "oh, she does it that way. I've never done it that way. Why didn't I think to do it that way? Maybe there's something wrong with the way I do it and that's why I'm unhappy...") I think it's interesting that as societies develop, there is an emerging need to bridge that language gap. Perhaps as our identifiable needs are met (plenty of food), our spiritual needs start to take on a more concrete language. It seems like society looks in all sorts of places to put a general identifier on this, one that we can all look at and agree with. It's an impossible task, but it's comforting to me to know that the search is there, the need to connect with each other as beings of the same creation. Why aren't we content to just be? Why are we so fascinated with observing others and how they react to day-to-day life? I think a lot of my fear stems from a frustration that I can't put into words or even identify the things I am scared of, that I want, that I think I need. I think I recognize them hiding in everyday occurances (acts of kindess, a song I hear, awes of a season change)...perhaps it is a fear of never attaining that connection. It could be the search is the meaning of existence, and as long as we seek it, our senses are heightened to all the clues...
this really gives me insight, hope it is ok for brother/son to be looking in........I clearly don't think very deeply, perhaps ignorance truly is bliss
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