I wanted to greet the day worthy of its beauty. The dawn is just crisping over the treetops and the animals are restless, but not yet yelling, for their modicum of breakfast. Soon.....
I think that when I came out of the womb the first feeling I encountered was fear. If I could have spoken I am convinced that it would have been that. And it has been my major battle my whole life. I think the worst thing is that it makes me mean and small spirited and that is a true battle. I realize how thin a veneer is my front of courage. Everyday I ask the Holy Spirit for courage realizing that I have none and only hope for it.
I cannot defeat the fear that is part of me. I cannot separate it from myself. My own battle is a conflict that only lowers its head, it does not leave.
How comfortable I am! How I surround myself with that which is unthreatening to me! How I am so careful to not injure the bubble I protect myself with! All the time I know that this bubble is so fragile and it is so patched that my vision through it is distorted.
I have asked God why I am the way I am. Why has fear been such a part of my very soul - inseparable? Why is my life such battle? Conflict with myself is really all I understand or have ever understood. If it brings me to God then I thank Him. But it is an uncomfortable bedfellow. I wish sometimes I could just fling it off and be free of it. That I must look forward to.
Oh wretched woman that I am! That which I want to do I fail to do. That which I want to be is as unreachable as the stars. To be a fine person through and through evades me and teaches me the mercy of God. Not that I love fear nor like what it does to me, but if it is the only vehicle that brings me to my knees then I must welcome it.