Friday, October 23, 2009


He was obedient for my sake. Now I will obey for His sake. That is the inspiration, that is the motive of religious obedience.

Okay so I don't put pictures on my blog. You have to really be a student of the word to get through these! But think about the quote at the top. Jesus was obedient for my sake. Not I will obey for His sake. Wow! God always initiates. He always loves us first. He always doesn't ask anything that He hasn't already given. It is almost incomprehensible. And what is even more incomprehensible is that we turn our backs on this great love.

Lately, before the Blessed Sacrament, I have been peeled like an onion. It is very frightening but I trust in what He is doing. He is getting to the bottom of what makes me tick and showing me along the way. But the great thing is that He is not only showing me but showing me how He can fix it. The layers go all the way down to when I was a child. Before I discovered what people can do to you, I used to be happy. I used to love Jesus and wanted to live for Him. But after a few turns with humanity the seed of anger got planted. It got watered by betrayal, cruelty, mockery, and failure. Because all I saw were the branches of the above, I never realized that most of my life I have just been angry. But because I am a Christian, and because I do love Jesus, I covered it up, pressed it down and shaken it together and guess what - it spills over when things get tough. The Lord showed me that one coping mechanism for this anger is to turn it in on myself.

So I wriggle a little as the Lord shows me what a sin this is. I do not love myself and find it impossible too. But it is essential that I do. So it has become a great comfort to know that anger fuels my life. It is behind all the frustration and inability to deal with society and mostly my own shortcomings. In order to work out my anger towards others, I thought it a virtue to turn it in on myself. So the Lord, in his mercy, showed me that I have to get rid of it altogether. And it has taken Him so long to clear out the thorns to get me to this point. It has been painful but wonderful. I see now how I can be like Him and not act like Him only. I see now how He can heal me thoroughly and there are things I can't confess here that I see for the first time that will be transformed and healed. I see it now so clearly! It is the face of heaven. It will be my first chance to really obey and serve Him.

And it isn't as if all I have done has not been worth anything. But for the first time I will enjoy serving Him. I will be empowered like never before to suffer and serve and be filled with joy. I see it now so clearly. I see what He is about in all of us. I understand freedom for the first time.

Blessed be Our Lord Jesus Christ. Someday I will be able to share the bottom of the well. There is mud there that I didn't think would ever become gold....I thought that I would have to die before I could be whole...but Jesus is about preparing us every day to live with Him forever...why wait until we get there? And when healed and transformed what power to light up this twisted, sad, bound world! I understand Pentecost for the first time. There is no end to His power and goodness and light. There is no end to the amount the Lord can divinize us if we let Him.

I will obey, for He obeyed that I might learn to obey.

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