Jesus Christ

All I want is to know Jesus Christ, and the power of His rising, all I want is to know my Lord and in Him to abide....those words of Paul must echo in every human heart if we are ever to know happiness but also to ever know our destiny. Nothing in this whole world or my life makes sense or is worth fighting for if not to belong to Him and to love Him. He is everything. He who poured himself out....we Christians hear it so much without really understanding it.

About eight years ago I had a bad fall from a horse that rendered me unconscious. Yet I led my horse across a large field to a neighboring house. As soon as I knocked on the door my eyesight came back and the real world appeared before me like magic. It is difficult to describe. That incident changed my life in many significant ways. But it was only last week that I realized that the accident was an exact mirror of my Christian life.

Here I am dancing with my immortal soul, doing what I know is right, doing what I have learned, doing what I have seen, but in a large part doing it blindly. I am groping through life and leading others with me. And I had a large fall. Without even realized the import of it I did offend God in a major way - I was truly blind.

Yet as I knocked on the door Jesus opened it and the real world appeared before my eyes. I saw in that moment that even someone like me who follows the Lord and loves Him can fall so deeply and inexorably. I realized that I absolutely cannot gut through my Christian life with what I know and study and plow through diligently. God is pleased with those efforts, don't get me wrong. But it is much harder that way.

At the same time as the utter realization of my helplessness and worthlessness of my efforts, I was completely filled with the mercy of the Lord and knew His love and forbearance.

I had heard from many sources that when I receive the Eucharist that Jesus actually takes us into himself. That was a new thought for me after all these years. I always looked at it the other way around. I was eating, taking in the Lord's body. I realized that I was seriously turned around and in many ways had no idea how to start going in the right direction.

It like teaching a horse to use his hind end to move forward. Horses are naturally front end beasts but when you put a rider on them they must reverse that instinct and learn to move forward from the back. You can do this artificially with draw reins and larges bits but even though you get the collection it is a painful life for the horse. You can get it but they eventually go mentally ill or get just plain angry. Or you can slowly patiently teach the horse to round his back, carry you and move from behind. It takes practice, patience and above all respect for the horse and what he is trying to learn.

In many ways, when I was in control of my Catholic life I was very good at using draw reins, bits, spurs and whips (metaphorically) to get the "Christlike" result I thought God wanted. But once I realized I had no clue to what Jesus is really about and got on my knees and asked Him to teach me about Himself, I was just as blind as wehn I fell off that horse.

The Maxter

Maxim XL was his formal name. He was bred and born at Colorado State University in 1985. He was part of an experiment to introduce the Salle Francais breed to the United States. Born of great athletic promise, he came to me broken down when he was fourteen. Last Wednesday, July 1st he succumbed to a massive infection. But Max's brain, personality and general ornerieness was totally missed by his former owners. He was passed to me to "use up" and learn from as he was a highly trained dressage horse. Nobody had ever asked him if he liked it at all. It took me four years to communicate with him and find out how much he hated arenas and the whole business.

I was privileged to know him, receive his hugs and smiles, and learn all the great lessons he had to teach me. I really thought there would be so much more! Retired, slowly becoming more arthritic, I really thought he could wile away his time under the sun until at least thirty. I was not prepared to spare him. But oh how I am so glad that I appreciated who he was and let him teach me the important things - the wonderful relationship a human can have with an animal - once the human has their head on straight.

Max I will always miss you! But I am so grateful for the years we had and especially for the two great hours before your death that I will always cherish, my brave big boy.

Chewing Cud

For the goat herder, there is no more peaceful sight than a bunch of goats placidly chewing their cud. For the ruminant, cud chewing is essential to good health. If you have ever seen a goat demolish dead leaves, bark, twigs and branches, you can believe that it would take an excellent digestion to get nutrition from it. Enter the rumen – that vital bacteria vat that cooks the mass and sends it back to the goat for further mastication. I don’t think goats chew the first time around – it just get inhaled, so to speak. So when I see my fluffy, white does sunning themselves and the steady grind, grind, grind of the lower jaw, I know all is well. It is especially comforting to see in an orphan baby because I know that they are successfully making the transition from bottle to regular food. When you are their “mama” so to speak, you must take great care to transition them as the rumen activates.
It is pretty funny to see their fat, squirrel-like cheeks. I wonder what they think about while they are chewing away. Because for the goats that I observe, cud chewing is not something you do on the run. You do not multi-task while you chew your cud!
It occurred to me that reading scripture must become like that for me. It is not enough to read it daily. Often I forget it almost as soon as I read it. And it doesn’t help, much, to just recall it on the run during the day. No, I must sit, relax and chew it thoughtfully, with the respect with which it is due.
I read the coming Sunday Mass readings throughout the week along with the daily readings. I felt pretty good that I was just getting them read every morning and training myself to recall them during the day. But to really have the Word written on my heart, in fact, to get anything out of it, I had to chew it, send it back into the brain vat, and chew it again. And to do it effectively, I can’t be doing something else.
One way I try to get myself into the daily reading plus the reading for Sunday Mass, is to try to find something new each time I read it. This came about when one Sunday reading was about leprosy and the proscriptions for it. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really want to read it every day! I didn’t have any way to relate to leprosy. However, by the sixth day I realized that leprosy was very much a part of my life. What leprosy is to the body, sin is to the soul. Leprosy kills the nerves within the body so that injury and pain aren’t felt. Consequently, undetected injuries cause the body parts to erode. Slowly, the person can injure themselves to death. I am sure this is simplistic but it is a basic understanding of Hansen’s disease. It became clear to me how sin works in the same way. It dulls my spiritual sense, opens me to the injurious lies of the devil, separates me from all that is good and holy. From that revelation I have acquired a new hatred for and vigilance against sin in my life.
Stopping, taking time to chew on scripture is very difficult for me. My life tends to be lived, “on the run”, akin to a swift moving river. But God, in His wisdom, has shown me the importance of cud chewing. Goats don’t have a choice about it – they must for a healthy life. Come to think of it – I don’t either.

The Time it Takes

As Clue, my new pony, kicked up his heels and ran away, I was acutely aware that I had broken my rule of taking the time it takes. Clue has a history that I must learn without using language. I do not know and cannot know through words what he has experienced. I must read that from his body language – so eloquent if I take the time to read it. Now, as he escaped, I realized I had pushed him to fast and to far.

I purchased the pony for my granddaughters. I wanted him to be ready to ride when they come for a visit in a few weeks. I let that pressure take my focus off this little animal’s needs and trust. So as I trudged over the acres to restore the relationship there were some bitter pills to swallow.

It made me think of my relationship with Our Lord. We have an icon above our altar at church that was painted by a saintly Romanian sister. It is Jesus breaking the bread at the last supper. In His hands are the two halves of the loaf, broken, as soon His body would be upon the Cross. I fancied one time Him asking me how much bread I wanted. “All of it,” I replied. Typical of my headlong Christian walk to want a lot more than I can handle. But more importantly, the correct response should have been “whatever You want to give me”.

When I allow pressures or impatience to cloud my judgment, I become blind. I no longer see the fear in the horse’s eye, that his ears are telling me to get back, that he lunges forward to move me out of his space. I forget to take things slowly and to appreciate what the animal is bringing to the table. Sure I can muscle a horse, especially little Clue. But if I am to give him a say in the process, I must give him all the time it takes. Expediency nullifies the relationship aspect. Clue becomes a thing to be processed and not a partner to be gained.

God can muscle me. I can think of God muscling me to perfection. But I am far off the mark if I look at Him this way. Being a relationship Himself, the Lord is not about efficiency but surrender. It is about whatever You want to give me Lord. I absolutely trust in your timetable. Jesus’ own life was always full of surrender. Jesus was very clear that He came to do the Father’s Will. He didn’t lose focus. He wasn’t impatient or anxious because He surrendered and trusted.

There is something electric about having a relationship with an animal. As the human I have the responsibility to teach but more to understand. When I impose my time schedule I lose respect for this special friend. I say, in fact, I don’t care what you are feeling – do what I am telling you to do. And do it now. Any horse person will chuckle a bit and tell you that all you get from that attitude it time lost. When I respect the horse’s contribution to the relationship, it is incredible to see the surrender – willing surrender – and right after that the lesson learned. He licks his lips – a sure sign that he is comfortable and trusting.

I am so grateful that God takes the time it takes to bring me closer to Him. He respects the person He made me. He is willing to take the time to bring me incrementally into wisdom and service. And of course, God has perfect timing. If you ever want to reflect on God’s timing, look back on your life. When I remember my fifty six years I see two things: that surrender has been a process and He has never doubted that I will arrive.

Clue stood in the field, ears pricked forward, as I approached. I could see in his eyes that there was a breach of trust. I offered my hand and my apologies. He came forward.

Loving Them Across

My friend Joanne accosted me as I walked into her barn. She was spattered with mud all the way to her eyebrows. I had seen that look before and it had been on my own face.

“I’ve been trying to get Lily across the ditch for the last three hours,” she gasped, “Will you help me?”

At the back of her property was a very luscious ravine and at the bottom of which reposed a creek bed. Months before, my horse Max and I had a major altercation over this same ditch. To me, the creek wasn’t anything scary at all. To Max it was the Grand Canyon. I can’t pretend to know all the reasons horses take it into their heads to be scared – but you have to figure out how to deal with it.

So Joanne and I took her young filly down the ravine. She explained that she had tried for hours to get the horse to jump over the ditch but was unsuccessful. Judging by Lily’s rolling eyes and tense, twitching muscles, it was going to be difficult. But I had remembered my lessons with Max very well.

“Look,” I proposed, “Let’s do it a different way.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

I smiled and said, “Let’s love her across.”

“What?”

“I’ve been through this with Max,” I explained, “Lily doesn’t trust us. Let’s be very calm. We have to accept that she might not cross today….but if we work on it in love she will someday.”

Joanne, fortunately, was open to learning. “Okay,” she said, “Show me what you mean.”

Using my natural horsemanship training, I began to stroke Lily and urged her to calm down and not get so excited about the ditch. We focused on confidence and authority. In fifteen minutes we had her across. In twenty she went back and forth with no worries. Using the same methods a few weeks later, she began to load into a horse trailer with no problem. Previously, you were lucky to jam her in there with a bucket of grain and quick reflexes.

I learned so much from those experiences. You can’t spout formulas or scripture verses to most people. You can’t introduce them to a loving God unless you do what Jesus did: love them across. For so many people, life has splattered them all over the pavement. A ditch is a chasm – truly an abyss separating them from all happiness. They can’t get there by words, only deeds, loving deeds that give them the confidence to ask just the simplest question: do you love me Jesus? Until they get to that point all they see is the unsurpassable ditch.

I have learned from my horses that no tiny deed goes unnoticed. Every stroke, every word builds a relationship of trust. It cannot be rushed and it must be maintained. There must be from me, an absolute commitment to inconveniencing myself for their greater good. And in addition, sticking to the truth of what horses are and what I am.

How much more should I be prepared to love those whom I find across that bgreat divide most find themselves? Every little deed, service or word must add to that bridge. If I focus on loving my fellow beings across the abyss to God’s love, then I have been able to accomplish the miraculous things Jesus promised.

I work with a woman who not only does the receptionist job full time but cleans the office after hours. I know how wonderful it is for someone to do the littlest thing so I began to do the dishes that accumulate during the day. She approached me one day and said, “I think there is an angel in the office.”

“Well, I love you,” I responded. It isn’t like me to just say stuff like that but it was truly what I felt. I wasn’t concerned in that moment about what church she belonged to or where her relationship with Jesus was. She just needed to know that someone loved her and was wiling to do something concrete about it.

I share this not to pat myself on the back. After looking at the computer for eight hours, I look forward to doing dishes! But I was so grateful to have the opportunity to love someone. Formerly, my selfish life didn’t have experiences like this. Now that they do, I am eager to love anyone across the “great divide” that keeps them from knowing the love of Jesus.