Marygate Farm

2010-08-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

A Farmer’s Our Father

It is a rosy misty morning and the sun hasn’t yet thrown off his blanket. Yet he is sending his harbinger rays up over the sleepy trees. The roosters have been up for two hours pinging one cock a doodle do after another in some kind of macho contest. It is quiet on the deck as I draw in a deep blessed breath….and then I am spotted. Goat uproar ensues. Oh well….time to pray.

I cross myself to begin my daily rosary. I get through the Apostle’s Creed before I leave my deck. So onto the prayer that Jesus taught us Himself. Our Father…..oh wow, look at that water trough, I just filled it. Hmmm it needs scrubbing this time. Uh – where was I? Our Father who art…..no! quit climbing on me Kizu! I don’t have any grain. Give over Meko! Ahhhhh!! I just got in the middle of a tussle. How I hate to get butted in the knees. Oh – where was I? Our Father who art in heaven….hey get out of the chicken feed. Did you open the food door again? I guess I will have to screw it shut….

On my journey to the garage for a screw and driver I recollect. Oh! Our Father who art in heaven. The dogs! I forget to feed you didn’t I? Sorry ‘bout that! Here, come and get it. No! you can’t eat the raw meat inside. Take it out! I don’t care if your afraid of the rooster! Ahhh….no take it OUT! I shut them outside. Where was I? Oh, Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come….oops I forgot to put the solar food drier out to charge up….got to do it now or I’ll forget. The sun is now making himself known over the tree tops.

Oh glorious Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! The sun is so beautiful, the grass so green. My lovely lady trees are still delighting in the coolness of the morning. Chickens strut over the meadows, dogs chase the heron fishing in the pond, and my horses graze desultorily at the wet grass. Where was I? Oh….Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! Thy kingdom come…thy will be done…oh where is the world, where is my country going? As I trek on down to the barn I ponder the fact that the Father does have it under control. Oh! I forgot to screw the food door shut on the chicken coop! U turn and tramp up the soaking grass! Where was I? Oh! Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is….all right Dozer dog what do you have in your mouth! Have you been raiding the fire pit again? Drop it…it’s plastic and will kill you. I don’t care if it smells like chicken!

There the coop is fixed. The hens are milling around waiting for me to throw them some feed….I guess too lazy to walk inside the coop. With a lopsided grin I realize that with me around they don’t need to lift a claw! Oh…Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day – all right Bo I hear you. In fact the whole sleeping neighborhood can hear that bray – heeeeeee hawwwwwwwwwwwww! I’m coming!

Determined to get the Our Father finished I realize I just have to concentrate…..Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven! Give us this day our daily bread….all right donkey, your stomach is touching your backbone – could have fooled me. I’m coming, I’m coming! Uh Oh – my farmer friend is here and I haven’t gotten the gate open! Just a minute! I’m coming!!!!! Where was I? Can’t remember….gasping I cry out more than recite, Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name! Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we…”

“No Mr Heflin,” I wasn’t saying anything! “Thanks for coming so soon to cut the field. Okay have a great day!”

HmmmmmmmmmmwherewasI? I catch my breath and as I walk slowly to the barn and the waiting amigos (a pony, donkey and horse) I say slowly and distinctly, Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name! Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us….I see out of the corner of my eye that my sly shepherd dog has escaped through the front gate and out into the great big world with undisguised glee. Oh well, where was I?

True Love

2010-02-05T04:25:00.001-08:00

And when love's storm does break on a man's spirit, then, children, let him not stop to think fretfully on his past sins or anxiously question about his humility or about anything else except this: Am I rightly responsive to God's love as it does its work in me here and now? For now a man must battle with love while suffering coldness of heart and from a sense of total abandonment. Oh, let him five up to love in all fidelity of heart, stripped of everything that is not purely love of God, his soul destitute and miserable for love's sake. Have deep and constant longings for God's love; have firm trust in God; keep yourself true and firm in love. In due time you shall be granted in one hour as many graces as in another way you would acquire in a lifetime. Fr John Tauler (1361)

May it be done unto me according to your Word!

Humility

2010-02-03T06:45:00.000-08:00

What is the virtue of humility? What is this choice, lovely virtue? Oh, the demon knows, and how ambitious he is to destroy it! He instills into the minds of even those who should know, the most unfair thoughts about this virtue. He would make it the quality of weak and craven souls. He would make it a quality of the despised, but humility is a virtue of courage. It takes courage to be humble. It is a virtue of truth and justice. Humility is a great virtue because it safeguards so many other virtues.
Now all that humility is, is simply the truth. It is recognizing our real relation with God. Humility does not consist in denying what we are or denying what we have, but attributing what we are and have to Him Who gave it. Humility reminds us, impresses upon us, causes us to realize that what we have, we have from God: that is, everything that is lovable, attractive, beautiful, useful, desirable-we have that from God. It is not ours and humility tells us that it is foolish to take complacency in that which is not ours. We have nothing of ourselves except our dirty, nasty, filthy inclinations; those God did not give us, but everything else belongs to Him. Life, grace of manners, health, talent, strength, success-not one of these things are ours.
St. Paul says: "What hast thou that thou hast not received? And if thou has received, why dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it?” (l Cor.4:7) Now, that is the searching question. Why are you self-complacent or why are you disdainful of others less favored than yourself. Why do you introduce a distinction between yourself and your unfortunate brother? God has no respect of persons. What you have is not yours by any title of your own. Now that is the only work of humility-to teach us that one lesson thoroughly.
Though you may be secure in the grace of the Holy Spirit today, all that is between you and the fallen angel is the grace of God. Only for God you would be what he is. Only for God you would be nothing. We have that solicitude of God's love for us. That is all it is. You know, when we think of these things it is not difficult to say, "Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldst enter under my roof; but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” (Roman Missal) Listening to humility's voice we say, "O God, be merciful to me a sinner.” (Lk. 18:13)
Oh, you see, this virtue fills us with compassion, with pity, with charity for all and we fear for ourselves, and we come down quickly from the mountain of our own conceit.(l) Do pray always that we will be more humble-less in confidence of ourselves and stronger in confidence of God's goodness and mercy.(2)
Fr Judge

It is easy to concentrate on the me I hate and ignore the me God created. How busy is the mind on "doing" so that I might present my credentials to God! It only matters what I am through and through. Why do I persist in doing when He calls me to be? If I yield to the "be" then all else will be accomplished. Please, Lord, give me the grace to trust You and not my busy work and paper virtues. I delight in being nothing but Your child and subject to Your Holy Will and desires. This is the only true happiness and might I say safe position in this treacherous world. Without Your Grace Jesus I am incapable of opening my arms on the cross you have prepared for me. Please help me to do this for your people.

Inclinations

2010-01-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

To separate ourselves from the crowd is even necessary for salvation. If we would make ourselves and our dear ones safe we must determine to live in the midst of men but not as of them, to profess maxims opposed to theirs and to confound worldly-wise maxims as the Magi did. There is no alternative; for either, like the Wise Men, we must sacrifice our inclinations to God or, like the assembly of sinners, God to our inclinations.

Wow - now that is a mouthful from Fr Judge! I was thinking the other day from a passage from the epistle of John when he says that if we dwell in the Son of God we have life, but if we don't then we have no life. So, I thought, what is everyone doing out there? They are existing if they don't live for God. Our eternal destiny is what matters and how we spend our lives in service and love to Him who died for us. How can there be any other life worth living? I feel sorry for all who just exist b/c they breath. How empty to just go from one thing to another to survive and hating it all the while? Momentary pleasures and distractions provide a bitter taste in the end that one can't spit out. Oh Lord may more come to know you and blessed triumph of death - your Love!

Where is Your Child?

2009-12-04T10:02:00.001-08:00

My first goat Alf came to me on a cold spring day. He was two days old. I held him in my arms and cuddled his soft, warm body. He looked very much like Bambi. An emergency call from a friend brought the baby to me and I began my adventure in goat herding.

His mother came with him on loan. Her udder was malfunctioning so I learned to milk her and feed Alf from a bottle. He was so cute butting the bottle as he would an udder. This brings the milk down in an udder but sends the baby bottle flying out of the unwary hand! Still it was great fun watching him eagerly suck at the warm liquid.

When I took mom and baby on walks, Alf would cavort around in the funniest ways. He would suddenly jump and twist like an acrobat. Every leaf needed inspecting and nibbling. Fallen trees were great tightropes to be conquered. I enjoyed watching him sampling all the verdure.

Fast forward this image about three years. Adorable little Alf is a two hundred pound buck. His horns remind me of a weightlifter’s biceps. He stands as high as our pony. And does he stink! As an unaltered buck and herd sire, he is quite proud of his musk. In fact, he believes that because the girl goats love it that I must also! He takes every chance to rub himself all over me. The stench can be overpowering, especially on a warm day.

Then there is rut season. My cuddly little Alf bellyaches day and night. The raucous noise echoes throughout the farm until I am crazy. His other goal is to destroy all my gates by using his elegant horns as a battering ram. (Pun intended). There are many other things that are unprintable in his repertoire.

Juxtapose this with my childhood. When I attended St Anthony’s in the fifties, I got to go to Mass every morning. Because of fasting restrictions, my parents had to make my breakfast and lunch. I remember my mother remonstrating with me one day when I repeatedly brought back my breakfast untouched. My reply was, “Jesus fills me up. I’m not hungry.”

Later, in fourth grade, while singing hymns at St Pius Catholic school I felt such an ecstasy of love for God. We were singing “Holy God, We Praise Thy Name”. I felt sure that there was no greater place to be or any other greater song to sing than that at that moment.

When I received my first Holy Communion I was so excited I got sick. I barely made it through Mass.

Remembering these things used to cause me great sorrow. Where did that child go? I have always loved God but where did that purity and innocence go? How did I fall off the track and trade my Beloved for other’s opinions and attention? It seemed I could never go back. The path back to innocence and great love was barred.

But Jesus says to me, “Become like a little child.”

“What?” I reply, “You mean I can go back? I can become what You once made me?”

My childhood memories are not photographs but realities of who I am and who Jesus made me to be. This is what is offered. When He told Nicodemus that we must be born again, this is what He offered. It is a return to all that was best and holy in me when I was unspoiled.

As I pondered this truth today, I couldn’t help but feel a kinship with Alf. He annoys me terribly, especially when I have to repair his damage and wash my clothes. But he now reminds me that I don’t have to remain smelly and destructive with sin. The Lord of Life loves me enough not to just repair me, but transform me. Where is your child?

Sex is not a Verb

2009-11-18T08:26:00.001-08:00

Ever thought about how our language has been copped? Key words have been stolen in order to confuse us. God created us male and female for a reason. Formerly the word sex (and still is) a noun depicting what gender we are. Sex isn't something we do, it is something we are. And that is very key in the way we are able to let God complete us with Himself. Theology of the body brought this to the forefront of my mind and heart after many years of it's truth pinging off of my soul.

If I understand sex as a noun, then I am of the female sex. My gender is not a mistake but the path by which I will only understand Jesus Christ. I realized (and you might find this odd) that as Jesus is male - the perfect God/Man - He alone can fulfill me as a woman. If fact that is exactly what the Creator had in mind when He formed me in my mother's womb. My femininity is how I can love Jesus. Every woman as such is a tabernacle - capable of producing an immortal being. Jesus is the only man who can and wants to fill this tabernacle with Himself. I am only a complete and new woman by His inhabiting my womb as such, the very being inside of me. How he completes the male gender I know not. However, I feel that for the first time that I am not on the outside wistfully looking in but inside Christ Himself. He lives so fully within me now that to go to Eucharist is consummation.

Now if in your mind, as it was in mine, that sex is a verb and a stolen, corrupted verb at that, this whole reality is a bit disgusting. That sex is a noun is the key. Explore it yourself. The Father created us male a female so that we might find full communion not only with Him but with each other. What is gender in me, my heart, my reactions, my deepest longings.....Jesus fulfills these every bit as wonderfully as the Song of Songs....I didn't understand that because I was corrupted in my very being myself.

This is all new, I have pink skin, I have a vulnerability that I have never known. But Jesus is real, this direction, this surrender is growing more strongly every day. When I said, early on to Him, "Why did I take so long?" He replied, "You were worth waiting for." And I said later on, "What if it goes away?" And He replied, "Over my dead body."

So much becomes clearer now and so many puzzle pieces fit. Further in and Higher up is my cry....as I throw off the shackles of this earth and all my rubbish....

Will

2009-10-23T09:12:00.001-07:00

He was obedient for my sake. Now I will obey for His sake. That is the inspiration, that is the motive of religious obedience.

Okay so I don't put pictures on my blog. You have to really be a student of the word to get through these! But think about the quote at the top. Jesus was obedient for my sake. Not I will obey for His sake. Wow! God always initiates. He always loves us first. He always doesn't ask anything that He hasn't already given. It is almost incomprehensible. And what is even more incomprehensible is that we turn our backs on this great love.

Lately, before the Blessed Sacrament, I have been peeled like an onion. It is very frightening but I trust in what He is doing. He is getting to the bottom of what makes me tick and showing me along the way. But the great thing is that He is not only showing me but showing me how He can fix it. The layers go all the way down to when I was a child. Before I discovered what people can do to you, I used to be happy. I used to love Jesus and wanted to live for Him. But after a few turns with humanity the seed of anger got planted. It got watered by betrayal, cruelty, mockery, and failure. Because all I saw were the branches of the above, I never realized that most of my life I have just been angry. But because I am a Christian, and because I do love Jesus, I covered it up, pressed it down and shaken it together and guess what - it spills over when things get tough. The Lord showed me that one coping mechanism for this anger is to turn it in on myself.

So I wriggle a little as the Lord shows me what a sin this is. I do not love myself and find it impossible too. But it is essential that I do. So it has become a great comfort to know that anger fuels my life. It is behind all the frustration and inability to deal with society and mostly my own shortcomings. In order to work out my anger towards others, I thought it a virtue to turn it in on myself. So the Lord, in his mercy, showed me that I have to get rid of it altogether. And it has taken Him so long to clear out the thorns to get me to this point. It has been painful but wonderful. I see now how I can be like Him and not act like Him only. I see now how He can heal me thoroughly and there are things I can't confess here that I see for the first time that will be transformed and healed. I see it now so clearly! It is the face of heaven. It will be my first chance to really obey and serve Him.

And it isn't as if all I have done has not been worth anything. But for the first time I will enjoy serving Him. I will be empowered like never before to suffer and serve and be filled with joy. I see it now so clearly. I see what He is about in all of us. I understand freedom for the first time.

Blessed be Our Lord Jesus Christ. Someday I will be able to share the bottom of the well. There is mud there that I didn't think would ever become gold....I thought that I would have to die before I could be whole...but Jesus is about preparing us every day to live with Him forever...why wait until we get there? And when healed and transformed what power to light up this twisted, sad, bound world! I understand Pentecost for the first time. There is no end to His power and goodness and light. There is no end to the amount the Lord can divinize us if we let Him.

I will obey, for He obeyed that I might learn to obey.

Faith for the Impossible

2009-10-19T07:18:00.000-07:00

In the reading from Romans today, Paul talks about Abraham. In fact he has been talking about him for the last few days! But today was struck me is that Abraham's unfailing determination to believe that nothing is impossible for God. The Blessed Mother has that unfailing character also. In the face of our fleshly eyes that see the problem, that see only our failings, that see only what man can do, they put themselves into the heavenly hands and eyes that do not fail but bring about His Holy Will. This, on the face of it, seems so logical and easy! But the flesh is a strong horse and it harnesses its mighty strength to pull me backwards into my own depths of despair and shortsightedness.

The psalmist says, "Don't put your hope in the strength of horses"! That is why Paul says we need to be transformed in our hearts and minds - total transformation in the why we think - only then can we see with His eyes and hope with His hope. Then, only then can I love with His love. I am incapable of being like Him at all. At the heart of it is not that I don't think that God can do amazing things and answer impossible questions or give impossible hope.....I have witnessed it time and again.

The impossibility lies within myself. That is what I see as God's impossible task - to help me see and know Him. Lately, I have had the distinct notion that the Lord is very concerned with preparing me to really face Him. Not death, although I am sure it is an option! No, He is confronting me with my unbelief; my failure to believe He can transform me and I can put off this major preoccupation with doubt.

Even this doubt is my joy however, because it reminds me second by second of my eternal neediness of The Lord my God. I rejoice in my weakness, the ever present weakness that dogs my days because He has shown me that it is my life link to Him.

Lately, I have revisited my past. Lately, I have been led by Him to review it. Lately, I have journeyed there unwillingly and entered into the sorrows there. And He has shown me how important those snubs, betrayals and own personal failures have been so vital to forming my inmost being. I have seen that without them my ego would have taken me to Hell. My self-centered character was so strong, my instinct for self-preservation so fierce that I would have done anything to protect it. Only by frequent quelling was He able to get my attention. Only by frequent leveling of my edifice of protection has He taught me to throw it away, to trash it, to utterly deny it in my life.

So as the sun shines so warmly and brightly today I can rejoice. Like Abraham I am on the journey from Ur - away from my ego and all my fallen comforts - and I can rejoice in whatever He sends my way because I can absolutely trust what the Maker of the entire Universe decrees! Sounds simple after all!

The Sacramental Bucket

2009-10-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

The dew was heavy on the tall grass as I sloshed my way to the goat pen. Ten inches of wonderful rain had fallen in the last week so even the mushrooms had mold on them! At the gate of the pen, LuLu, one of my hand raised orphans stuck her head through the bars to be first at the bucket. The white bucket is a well known flag for the goats and horses alike. It is the grain bucket. It is, for them, a sacramental.

Soon Pei Pei jostled LuLu out of the way and then Taddy barged her way in as well. The gate screeched a familiar complaint as they threw their collective weight at it. I put the grain bucket on a post, high above their reach because to enter in with it was to court injury. In the ‘body of goats’ there is no such thing as laying down one’s life unless they just happen to be trampled! They love that bucket for what it contains and devil take the hindmost if they are not first at the grain feeders!

The other day, as I was jockeying between goats with the grain bucket, I wondered if I treated the sign of the cross with as much concentration and gusto. I wondered if I treat the holy water font and incense and oils and all the wonderful sacramentals with as much dedication as my goats do the grain bucket. They love their grain and happily push each other out of the way to get to the contents. Am I willing to push incidental life out of the way in order to put it in God’s hands?

The horses, especially the ones on diets, reverence the white bucket with whinnies and hooves as I try to get each one fed in order. All night they have looked forward to the sight of the grain bucket.

Bert Ghezzi, in his book “Sign of the Cross” says this: “Every time we make the sign of the cross, we invite the Lord to bless us, and He always responds…..But most often when we make it, we don’t feel anything. That’s because God is using the movements of our body to reach our spirit and our senses cannot detect much of what He does there.” (page 11). In this wonderful book I have gained not only an appreciation of the sign of the cross but of all sacramentals that I very often take for granted. Working with people in RCIA, I find that their appreciation of what Catholics do inspires me to be more aware of what I am doing.

As I watch my goats and horses revere the grain bucket, their sacramental, I have tried to love and look forward to making the sign of the cross….and say to myself I belong to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Do I wait in the watches of the night to respond to the simple things our Holy Mother Church has provided for our spiritual nourishment?

Mr. Ghezzi continues, “A sacramental, on the other hand, does not directly confer divine grace; rather it prepares us to receive God’s blessing and disposes us to cooperate with it.” (page 10) I know that I need to immerse myself in the life of God. So much of my life is mere distraction from Him. I want my life to be predisposed towards whatever the Holy Spirit wants of me.

Now you might be saying that the goats get all this grain and they are hungry and that is why they love it so much. Not really. They only get grain because it emotionally stabilizes them. The way my farm Marygate is set up we have ample food for all our animals – in fact too much browse and grass! No – the sacramental bucket is icing on a rich cake and it has taught me to ask the Holy Spirit to teach me how the sacramentals can bring me closer to divine life. By stopping and taking time to realize what I am doing, I am fed so fully! I highly recommend Bert Ghezzi’s book as something so simple that can change us so dramatically in our Christian walk.

Blowin' In The Wind

2009-10-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

As I entered the field in the gray light of dawn I was surprised to see the four horses standing at attention. Still as statues they pointed like setters at something far down the pasture. Every once and awhile vapor like smoke issued from distended nostrils. One horse would break rank and pace, snorting, and then resume its stance Curious, I turned to squint at what lay across the distance.

I have to admit it did look frightening. Something white was wafting gaily in the early morning breeze. I couldn’t imagine what it could be and I felt my stomach tighten a bit – could it be an animal? At any rate, the horses felt pretty nervous about it! I slipped through the fence and started to make my way toward the scary object.

Lots of times things I don’t understand or situations that occur frighten me. I know I need to trust in God. I can look back at all the times the Lord has been faithful and taken care of me and my family. In good times and bad He has brought us through. Not always without pain but I have learned that even suffering has its commensurate joy. Still, in my weakness, I dread lessons of life that scare me.

That morning I felt a little afraid as I trudged across the wet grass. The white form alternately stood completely still and then waved frantically again as the breeze touched it. I heard a few snorts and whinnies behind me along with galloping hooves. Then, again, complete silence as only the dawn can provide.

When my husband Leo, I, and our five children moved to Alabama in the mid-eighties, his salary had just climbed to twenty five thousand a year. We felt like kings. Still for a one income household we were scraping by. I didn’t realize it completely then, but we were quite poor. I am sure our children felt it when they saw what others had and how they lived.

When my husband went out on a business venture a few years down the road we had high hopes of betterment. The business crashed a mere eight weeks later and he was out of a job. At the time we were renovating two bathrooms – and they had just been demolished and only partially restored. A friend was doing the work for us. So here we were with no income, regular expenses, and the wreckage about us!

However, six months earlier, my husband’s former teaching partner, Laura, had applied for a job at a big corporation. It took that long to get the interviews and to get a position secured. She made plans to take up the job. The same week it became apparent that my husband’s job was gone, Laura found out she was going to have a baby. It was unplanned- in fact she had trouble conceiving. As her new job required extensive traveling, she decided to decline the offer. But Laura went to the corporation and recommended Leo for the job. So that very week, the corporation did the interviews and hired him. It floored me that all this had taken place before my husband lost his job!

I thought of this as I came upon the pasture ghost in the ever quickening morning light. I paused in my reflections to turn back and look at my horse companions. They still stood, riveted, as they tried to discern the ghostly interloper. At this point, flush with relief, I realized what the specter was: helium balloons moored to a shrub! Somebody’s birthday balloons had taken a little turn. As I got closer, I had to laugh at myself. Most of the giant problems in life, when under the Lord’s control, are wafting in the breeze. I even had time to be a little amused at my horse’s fear. That is until I recollected my own reaction every time God allows a test to come my way!

Jesus in the Eucharist

2009-09-10T16:01:00.001-07:00

I have had the privilege, three weeks now, of spending time with the Lord Jesus in the Eucharist. It is called Eucharistic Adoration. And how Jesus has set me free! I have realized so starkly that He is not about condemnation (the devil's great work) but about setting me free. I have realized that confessing my sins has truly set me free! I know this sounds cliche-ish but I have understood my Savior so much more fully, have felt so much more as His sister b/c I have simply obeyed Him. "To behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His Temple..." (Psalm 27) These are not empty word but alive words that are fulfilled today...all my thoughts, my joys, my duties are His...I hope never to stop listening to Him and asking for His grace, His power, to please His Father. That is all my Lord Jesus was about was pleasing and obeying the Father and what else is there but this? What greater felicity, what greater joy, what greater time spent than feeding on His Word - Jesus Christ. This is all....this is all that matters....this is the pearl of great price and look what we receive! Divinization! I don't know what that will be like but it is real....it is the only REALITY and the only thing worth living for....pleasing and obeying the Father, through the Son and in the Holy Spirit. I pity anyone who finds life on this earth more appealing.

Jesus in the

2009-09-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

The Room of the Soul

2009-09-03T03:55:00.000-07:00

Remember that the virtue of humility is the solution of all our troubles, a sure and quick remedy in all our temptations. Let your concern and terror be this, that the devil take advantage of distressing moods and make entrance. Remember that humility is the antidote. Your place at that moment is not on the lofty heights of self or studying wounded self-love but on your knees before the crucifix, seeing what sin has done to Jesus. Stifle the murmuring complaint of whining vanity and blinded pride. Let the recording angels hear this confession: “I confess to Almighty God. that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word and deed through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.”(2) Fr Thomas A Judge

I know my blogs are boring - no pictures. But I hope to create pictures in the window of the soul that one may look into that room and see what furnishings lie there. Also what condition they are in. Is the furniture dusty? Is it crowded with knick knacks? Is it so cluttered that the beauty of the room is choked? Is it hard to move around in there - are you prevented from kneeling if necessary? How is my interior life? And does the Holy Spirit find welcome, worship and listening heart there?

2009-09-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

“If any man think himself to be something, whereas he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.”(Gal. 6:3) Subject to many infirmities, man comes wailing into life, lives in fear, leaves it in anguish. Inconstant by nature, the sport of change, now he is glad, now he is sad. He needs everything, is dependent for everything, can do nothing of himself. He cannot guide himself; he is blind in his judgments. He regrets the past that is gone, is suspicious of the future; he grasps at the present which escapes him. He struggles against adversity. Prosperity intoxicates him, praise makes him proud; humiliation irritates and crushes him, anger makes him insane. Laziness enervates him; sensuality devours him. He is the plaything of his passions. His infancy is spent in helplessness, his youth in frivolity, his mature years in cares and worries, his old age in dotage. His mind is subject to ignorance, his will to uncertainty, his heart is tried by so many deceptions. Ennui inexorable weighs on his existence and he becomes a burden to himself. There is not a sense nor member of his body which does not know sorrow, which is not capable of suffering. There is not an instant of his life when he can believe himself safe, and the grave is always before him.
What, then, is man? Nothing before he came into existence, nothing in revolt by sin, dust when his life ends, misery as long as it lasts. That is the condition of humanity caused by sin. It is this human condition, so infirm, so fallen, which became the condition of the Son of God, clothed in our flesh.
Fr Thomas A Judge

This is so powerful b/c it illustrates so vividly what we are without redemption. And everyday I witness people who have responded to redemption and have climbed out of their grave.

Jesus Christ

2009-08-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

All I want is to know Jesus Christ, and the power of His rising, all I want is to know my Lord and in Him to abide....those words of Paul must echo in every human heart if we are ever to know happiness but also to ever know our destiny. Nothing in this whole world or my life makes sense or is worth fighting for if not to belong to Him and to love Him. He is everything. He who poured himself out....we Christians hear it so much without really understanding it.

About eight years ago I had a bad fall from a horse that rendered me unconscious. Yet I led my horse across a large field to a neighboring house. As soon as I knocked on the door my eyesight came back and the real world appeared before me like magic. It is difficult to describe. That incident changed my life in many significant ways. But it was only last week that I realized that the accident was an exact mirror of my Christian life.

Here I am dancing with my immortal soul, doing what I know is right, doing what I have learned, doing what I have seen, but in a large part doing it blindly. I am groping through life and leading others with me. And I had a large fall. Without even realized the import of it I did offend God in a major way - I was truly blind.

Yet as I knocked on the door Jesus opened it and the real world appeared before my eyes. I saw in that moment that even someone like me who follows the Lord and loves Him can fall so deeply and inexorably. I realized that I absolutely cannot gut through my Christian life with what I know and study and plow through diligently. God is pleased with those efforts, don't get me wrong. But it is much harder that way.

At the same time as the utter realization of my helplessness and worthlessness of my efforts, I was completely filled with the mercy of the Lord and knew His love and forbearance.

I had heard from many sources that when I receive the Eucharist that Jesus actually takes us into himself. That was a new thought for me after all these years. I always looked at it the other way around. I was eating, taking in the Lord's body. I realized that I was seriously turned around and in many ways had no idea how to start going in the right direction.

It like teaching a horse to use his hind end to move forward. Horses are naturally front end beasts but when you put a rider on them they must reverse that instinct and learn to move forward from the back. You can do this artificially with draw reins and larges bits but even though you get the collection it is a painful life for the horse. You can get it but they eventually go mentally ill or get just plain angry. Or you can slowly patiently teach the horse to round his back, carry you and move from behind. It takes practice, patience and above all respect for the horse and what he is trying to learn.

In many ways, when I was in control of my Catholic life I was very good at using draw reins, bits, spurs and whips (metaphorically) to get the "Christlike" result I thought God wanted. But once I realized I had no clue to what Jesus is really about and got on my knees and asked Him to teach me about Himself, I was just as blind as wehn I fell off that horse.

The Maxter

2009-07-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

Maxim XL was his formal name. He was bred and born at Colorado State University in 1985. He was part of an experiment to introduce the Salle Francais breed to the United States. Born of great athletic promise, he came to me broken down when he was fourteen. Last Wednesday, July 1st he succumbed to a massive infection. But Max's brain, personality and general ornerieness was totally missed by his former owners. He was passed to me to "use up" and learn from as he was a highly trained dressage horse. Nobody had ever asked him if he liked it at all. It took me four years to communicate with him and find out how much he hated arenas and the whole business.

I was privileged to know him, receive his hugs and smiles, and learn all the great lessons he had to teach me. I really thought there would be so much more! Retired, slowly becoming more arthritic, I really thought he could wile away his time under the sun until at least thirty. I was not prepared to spare him. But oh how I am so glad that I appreciated who he was and let him teach me the important things - the wonderful relationship a human can have with an animal - once the human has their head on straight.

Max I will always miss you! But I am so grateful for the years we had and especially for the two great hours before your death that I will always cherish, my brave big boy.

Chewing Cud

2009-06-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

For the goat herder, there is no more peaceful sight than a bunch of goats placidly chewing their cud. For the ruminant, cud chewing is essential to good health. If you have ever seen a goat demolish dead leaves, bark, twigs and branches, you can believe that it would take an excellent digestion to get nutrition from it. Enter the rumen – that vital bacteria vat that cooks the mass and sends it back to the goat for further mastication. I don’t think goats chew the first time around – it just get inhaled, so to speak. So when I see my fluffy, white does sunning themselves and the steady grind, grind, grind of the lower jaw, I know all is well. It is especially comforting to see in an orphan baby because I know that they are successfully making the transition from bottle to regular food. When you are their “mama” so to speak, you must take great care to transition them as the rumen activates.
It is pretty funny to see their fat, squirrel-like cheeks. I wonder what they think about while they are chewing away. Because for the goats that I observe, cud chewing is not something you do on the run. You do not multi-task while you chew your cud!
It occurred to me that reading scripture must become like that for me. It is not enough to read it daily. Often I forget it almost as soon as I read it. And it doesn’t help, much, to just recall it on the run during the day. No, I must sit, relax and chew it thoughtfully, with the respect with which it is due.
I read the coming Sunday Mass readings throughout the week along with the daily readings. I felt pretty good that I was just getting them read every morning and training myself to recall them during the day. But to really have the Word written on my heart, in fact, to get anything out of it, I had to chew it, send it back into the brain vat, and chew it again. And to do it effectively, I can’t be doing something else.
One way I try to get myself into the daily reading plus the reading for Sunday Mass, is to try to find something new each time I read it. This came about when one Sunday reading was about leprosy and the proscriptions for it. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really want to read it every day! I didn’t have any way to relate to leprosy. However, by the sixth day I realized that leprosy was very much a part of my life. What leprosy is to the body, sin is to the soul. Leprosy kills the nerves within the body so that injury and pain aren’t felt. Consequently, undetected injuries cause the body parts to erode. Slowly, the person can injure themselves to death. I am sure this is simplistic but it is a basic understanding of Hansen’s disease. It became clear to me how sin works in the same way. It dulls my spiritual sense, opens me to the injurious lies of the devil, separates me from all that is good and holy. From that revelation I have acquired a new hatred for and vigilance against sin in my life.
Stopping, taking time to chew on scripture is very difficult for me. My life tends to be lived, “on the run”, akin to a swift moving river. But God, in His wisdom, has shown me the importance of cud chewing. Goats don’t have a choice about it – they must for a healthy life. Come to think of it – I don’t either.

The Time it Takes

2009-06-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

As Clue, my new pony, kicked up his heels and ran away, I was acutely aware that I had broken my rule of taking the time it takes. Clue has a history that I must learn without using language. I do not know and cannot know through words what he has experienced. I must read that from his body language – so eloquent if I take the time to read it. Now, as he escaped, I realized I had pushed him to fast and to far.

I purchased the pony for my granddaughters. I wanted him to be ready to ride when they come for a visit in a few weeks. I let that pressure take my focus off this little animal’s needs and trust. So as I trudged over the acres to restore the relationship there were some bitter pills to swallow.

It made me think of my relationship with Our Lord. We have an icon above our altar at church that was painted by a saintly Romanian sister. It is Jesus breaking the bread at the last supper. In His hands are the two halves of the loaf, broken, as soon His body would be upon the Cross. I fancied one time Him asking me how much bread I wanted. “All of it,” I replied. Typical of my headlong Christian walk to want a lot more than I can handle. But more importantly, the correct response should have been “whatever You want to give me”.

When I allow pressures or impatience to cloud my judgment, I become blind. I no longer see the fear in the horse’s eye, that his ears are telling me to get back, that he lunges forward to move me out of his space. I forget to take things slowly and to appreciate what the animal is bringing to the table. Sure I can muscle a horse, especially little Clue. But if I am to give him a say in the process, I must give him all the time it takes. Expediency nullifies the relationship aspect. Clue becomes a thing to be processed and not a partner to be gained.

God can muscle me. I can think of God muscling me to perfection. But I am far off the mark if I look at Him this way. Being a relationship Himself, the Lord is not about efficiency but surrender. It is about whatever You want to give me Lord. I absolutely trust in your timetable. Jesus’ own life was always full of surrender. Jesus was very clear that He came to do the Father’s Will. He didn’t lose focus. He wasn’t impatient or anxious because He surrendered and trusted.

There is something electric about having a relationship with an animal. As the human I have the responsibility to teach but more to understand. When I impose my time schedule I lose respect for this special friend. I say, in fact, I don’t care what you are feeling – do what I am telling you to do. And do it now. Any horse person will chuckle a bit and tell you that all you get from that attitude it time lost. When I respect the horse’s contribution to the relationship, it is incredible to see the surrender – willing surrender – and right after that the lesson learned. He licks his lips – a sure sign that he is comfortable and trusting.

I am so grateful that God takes the time it takes to bring me closer to Him. He respects the person He made me. He is willing to take the time to bring me incrementally into wisdom and service. And of course, God has perfect timing. If you ever want to reflect on God’s timing, look back on your life. When I remember my fifty six years I see two things: that surrender has been a process and He has never doubted that I will arrive.

Clue stood in the field, ears pricked forward, as I approached. I could see in his eyes that there was a breach of trust. I offered my hand and my apologies. He came forward.

Loving Them Across

2009-06-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Joanne accosted me as I walked into her barn. She was spattered with mud all the way to her eyebrows. I had seen that look before and it had been on my own face.

“I’ve been trying to get Lily across the ditch for the last three hours,” she gasped, “Will you help me?”

At the back of her property was a very luscious ravine and at the bottom of which reposed a creek bed. Months before, my horse Max and I had a major altercation over this same ditch. To me, the creek wasn’t anything scary at all. To Max it was the Grand Canyon. I can’t pretend to know all the reasons horses take it into their heads to be scared – but you have to figure out how to deal with it.

So Joanne and I took her young filly down the ravine. She explained that she had tried for hours to get the horse to jump over the ditch but was unsuccessful. Judging by Lily’s rolling eyes and tense, twitching muscles, it was going to be difficult. But I had remembered my lessons with Max very well.

“Look,” I proposed, “Let’s do it a different way.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

I smiled and said, “Let’s love her across.”

“What?”

“I’ve been through this with Max,” I explained, “Lily doesn’t trust us. Let’s be very calm. We have to accept that she might not cross today….but if we work on it in love she will someday.”

Joanne, fortunately, was open to learning. “Okay,” she said, “Show me what you mean.”

Using my natural horsemanship training, I began to stroke Lily and urged her to calm down and not get so excited about the ditch. We focused on confidence and authority. In fifteen minutes we had her across. In twenty she went back and forth with no worries. Using the same methods a few weeks later, she began to load into a horse trailer with no problem. Previously, you were lucky to jam her in there with a bucket of grain and quick reflexes.

I learned so much from those experiences. You can’t spout formulas or scripture verses to most people. You can’t introduce them to a loving God unless you do what Jesus did: love them across. For so many people, life has splattered them all over the pavement. A ditch is a chasm – truly an abyss separating them from all happiness. They can’t get there by words, only deeds, loving deeds that give them the confidence to ask just the simplest question: do you love me Jesus? Until they get to that point all they see is the unsurpassable ditch.

I have learned from my horses that no tiny deed goes unnoticed. Every stroke, every word builds a relationship of trust. It cannot be rushed and it must be maintained. There must be from me, an absolute commitment to inconveniencing myself for their greater good. And in addition, sticking to the truth of what horses are and what I am.

How much more should I be prepared to love those whom I find across that bgreat divide most find themselves? Every little deed, service or word must add to that bridge. If I focus on loving my fellow beings across the abyss to God’s love, then I have been able to accomplish the miraculous things Jesus promised.

I work with a woman who not only does the receptionist job full time but cleans the office after hours. I know how wonderful it is for someone to do the littlest thing so I began to do the dishes that accumulate during the day. She approached me one day and said, “I think there is an angel in the office.”

“Well, I love you,” I responded. It isn’t like me to just say stuff like that but it was truly what I felt. I wasn’t concerned in that moment about what church she belonged to or where her relationship with Jesus was. She just needed to know that someone loved her and was wiling to do something concrete about it.

I share this not to pat myself on the back. After looking at the computer for eight hours, I look forward to doing dishes! But I was so grateful to have the opportunity to love someone. Formerly, my selfish life didn’t have experiences like this. Now that they do, I am eager to love anyone across the “great divide” that keeps them from knowing the love of Jesus.

The Persons of Heaven

2009-06-06T18:48:00.001-07:00

The massive storm whirled around me six times as I stood trapped in the barn. Trees, bent double in agony, at times were almost invisible through the rain. My horses and I weathered it pensively as lightening and thunder was rivaled only by the onslaught of hail on the tin roof. My dogs, tails crimped, shivered at my feet. But oh the power of God! We think that we have so much mastery – but God can put us in our place whenever He chooses.

The next morning arrived as benign and beautiful as a still pond. The trees shook out their hair and I reveled in the long wet grass as I went on my morning walk. I could voice with the psalmist – how lovely is Your dwelling place – O Lord of Hosts! My heart longs and faints for your courts, and my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God!

The delight in this loveliness – storm and peace – is always nicked by a realization that this is not my home. But oh my flesh loves it, glories in it and the outer space of heaven does not draw me from this my familiar delight. I want to live with the Triune God more than anything – but what succor does my flesh await?

I realized that my flesh is so comfortable with parameters. She is comforted by even the hugeness of a hundred year old tree or the mighty swell of the Mississippi river. The infinte of the heavens brings no cheer. How, I asked the Lord, can I go to you? From where will my flesh find its comforting boundaries? I realized that my senses and my skin override the deep longings of my heart, especially on a beautiful spring morning.

Then the quirky smile of God enlightened my mind. Silly, heaven is not a place, it is a Persons. I go not to a place but an embrace. And He who created this world I love cups it within His generous hand. This vastly cheered me and I felt like the Lord said to me, “You are finally growing up, my darling.” I had to laugh at God’s ever ready laughter and generous patience.

I remembered my studies of Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. It has taught me to understand that we are unique amongst all of God’s creation. He respects and revels in our created matter and of course has an eternal plan for it. I am like a baby in the womb, comfortable with the boundaries of water, sack and mother’s heart. If I said to a baby – come out into the cold air, bright lights and hunger – they would cling ever so closely to the warmth and safety. Little does the baby know that outside is wonderful, unimaginable growth and laughter. There is a huge family of people to embrace. Yes, there is suffering and sorrow too – but totally redeemed by the Triune God who loves us. Then, the baby is born to an embrace, a warm breast, a tender smile.

This then, is my journey to heaven. I need not fear the unknown place of heaven because it doesn’t exist. I go to the absolute fulfillment of life body and soul. Can you imagine what the Creator of this beautiful world has in store for us?

2009-05-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

How much are you under the influence of the Holy Spirit? Or how much are you under the influence of the evil spirit? This is a question which is ignored almost entirely by people, even the most devout. Fr Thomas Judge

This meditation struck me. Even the most devout? How can I be sure what is influencing me? First, I figured out by what goes into me - am I filling myself up with the Word, with Truth, with self-sacrifice, with service. But most of all I need to be humbly broken - allowing Our Lord, in His Holy Spirit, to give me wisdom, to transform me, to Forgive me! Please Lord do not allow the evil one any hold in me!!!Please Lord give me the wisdom of self knowledge and courage to eradicate all that is evil.

Been off the internet for two months due to technical difficulties - however I have it for today!!!

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Goals

2009-04-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

How anxious we should be to make reparation! This should cause us to suffer joyfully the adverse things of our daily life and to receive in a spirit not only of resignation, but of joy, those painful things that God's providence permits to come to us. Trials we have; some are physical, some are mental, some are spiritual, some are temporal. Who is ever free from trial? No one. It should be our joy, for the sake of the Precious Blood, for all for which it stands, to make reparation. Fr. Thomas Augustine Judge

I guess that sums up the goal of my life and how far I am from it sometimes! How I kick against the inconvenience, the wait in line, the cynical retort, the indifference, whatever I feel is not going my way! O Lord help me to see that all is from Your Hand for my benefit! Help me to suffer everything You permit so that I may count myself as one of Your cross bearers! This Holiest of Weeks let me concentrate on Your Sacrifice, Your Scourging, Your Piercing, Your Forgiveness, Your Reparation for the Sins of the world!

Confusion, Defeat and Disaster

2009-03-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

Fr Judge said that these three things follow, or are a result of disobedience. Wow. It occurred to me that I can use these three things to test whether or not I am being obedient to the Lord. I hope that I am always obedient but as David said, "Who knows all of his faults?" I guess there can be no greater effort, goal or determination in life than to be obedient to God. Jesus gave us that imperative, never diverted from that one goal: to do the Father's Will. Please God that in some small measure I may imitate that beloved goal.

The Cross

2009-03-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

We should use the Cross to bless our minds when they lag in study. We should use it in our heart when it is restless, disturbed and tempted. It should be worked into our food. It should begin and end and companion our conversation and activities so that all things will be done in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit; and in adoration, praise and thanksgiving to Him Who was wounded for our iniquities, Who was bruised for our sins, Whose feet and hands were dug and Whose bones for us were numbered on that Cross. Fr Thomas Judge

I have lived with the Cross, the knowledge of salvation through Jesus' death and resurrection my whole life. I am a child who does not understand the hideous death from which I have been saved. I have not grown up before and after. It has always been a part of me. So how in the world can I really appreciate it? How can I understand it? How can I be truly grateful? I have no idea. But one thing I can do is love and serve, love and serve, love and serve - truly impossible for me alone but with the Cross I can do it. With the Cross ever in my mind's eye and my heart I MUST love and serve. If I stay focussed on that, then maybe Our Lord will let me suffer with Him and carry that Cross. This Lenten Season, may it please God to let the cross lead me to love and service, to open my blind eyes and stubborn, stony heart to love and serve.

Something to Live By

2009-02-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

1. Loving Trust 2. Total Surrender 3. Joy

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I guess that is it in a nutshell! If I am not experiencing joy then something is amiss with the first two items. Ah gee Mom - I wish I could get it right sometimes! But I am confident that as I ponder and live with this saying that it will rub off on me and God's grace WILL change me simply because He will honor my request. I will never comprehend it - The Lord's interest in little ole me but I am so grateful - am I grateful enough to lovingly trust and totally surrender? Apparently sometimes not! Please dear Lord rescue me from myself!

Who's in Charge?

2009-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

As I foster two new motherless goats I am made aware of how important it is, as an animal husbandry person, to make right decisions for them. In fact, animal life here is always a question of who is in charge. Animals' god is the belly - safety, comfort and play - and food! They are constantly asking for it. They are constantly manipulating for it. And I know that if they are irritating me it is because I have failed to establish mastery over their appetites. (Oh yes, any animal failure is the human's fault, make NO mistake about it and once you have accepted that then you can fix your problems!)

So the babies - Yuki and Oto - they are about two weeks apart and fortunately buddies, not common since they are not herd related at all! I must regulate their bottles even when they frantically pester me for one. I must take them on long, ambling walks as they maddeningly lip a leaf as they slowly develop a taste for vegetation. I must teach them to follow, comfort them and give them the touching they need. No, I WILL not lick them however my dogs have stepped up to bat!

Oto came to me mostly dead. He was born during the nine degree nights we had and even though he is a big fellow he wasn't eating. My son Bernard helped me and had the great idea of feeding him with a dropper. Within a few days he was suckling and gaining strength. He was totally disoriented. He would shuffle to a corner and stand staring at the wall with a piteous bleat. It was fascinating to watch him learn to get a handle on his surroundings and the safe things to follow. Yuki has given him some goat sense and comfort - God provides!

But as I make life decisions for animals I realize it takes a form of self-mastery. I cannot indulge them, they don't understand it. I must relate to them in non-addictive ways and be not a friend but a kind lord as it were. It helps me understand how I must exert self-mastery over my appetites as well. I am not so very successful at it but I am understanding it better. The more I am a good "shepherd" so to speak, the better I am learning that it starts with me.

What a gift - self-mastery! To kindly but firmly say to myself "Keep your commitments. Develop your relationship with God as MOST important. Serve Him day in and day out. And by all means don't whine!" Goats are terrific whiners - and I can't help but think that I sound awfully like them sometimes!

When I got my Anatolian Shepherd dog Hannah, she upset the delicate balance of my four dog pack. The one male dog, Dozer was the most put out. He assumes he is in charge, a carefully cultivated illusion Darby allows. He would lunge at her, growl, bare his teeth. (Always when she was behind the fence. Hannah is twice as big and could take him out with one bite). I kept yelling at him to stop. Then in the middle of a lunge I saw him hesitate, stop and turn away. He, a dog, mastered himself. And I couldn't help but think that if he could do it I could! And how many excuses I make when my delicate balance is upset! You go Dozer!!!

Excuses

2009-02-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

I might be tooling down the road kinda sorta driving over the speed limit. So I watch carefully and in my mind I am trying on excuses in case I get pulled over. I come up with some really good ones but I know that once the lights flash and I pull over I will be stammering out my yes ma'ams or yessirs. But it is a game a play that allows me to laugh at who I really am.

The best excuse is to overeat and promise to make it up the next day. I did that for quite a few lifetimes.

Awhile ago I thought to enhance my attention at mass I would study the readings the week b4 mass. I was pretty faithful to it and have benefited greatly - how can I not? But as time went by I didn't do it first thing. I had plenty of time during the day. Not! So at mass I was asking the Lord what He would have me do and I felt that he grinned a little bit and said, "See if you can read the readings everyday first thing." That is the starting point. Easy! Easy?

You have no idea how many distractions there are at 5:30 am, even with no radio or television. I brew my coffee (yes an article on addictions is forthcoming) and pull out the Bible. Oh - I need to listen to the weather on my walkie-talkie - very important for the livestock! Oh - I need to write that note to remind myself to call so and so. Oh - I need to sweep up that grass that came in with my boots last night. Oh - I need to wipe the counter......!!! You get the idea. And ALL He asked me was to read the three readings first thing. He didn't even ask me to do a Bible study! I am glad that God has a sense of humor.

So I have been doing that. When things try to pull me away I have been disciplining myself to such an absurdly small thing - so that I may earn the right to do greater things for Him.

As I foster two goat babiesrealize that there are no excuses. They need fed, comfort safety and to learn to grow up. They demand it believe me! And if I am responsible I meet those demands without excuses. God doesn't not demand! He asks! So if I am to mature I must respond to the asking and not the demand. Please God help me to grow up.

Posted, picture of goat baby with one of my babies - Bernard all grown up! He is back from Afghanistan and I couldn't be prouder of him! He is such a wonderful man and such a great companion. He inspires me greatly and I am so grateful that he is my son.

Clouds

2009-02-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

There is one advantage of necessity; there is one joy to be found in biting need. There is a consolation even when the darkest clouds overshadow. It is this: we have an opportunity of registering a supreme act of trust and confidence in a Being supremely and infinitely good and loving. It is not so much that we do a thing or get a thing or have a thing or have any prayer answered but that we show an invincible faith and courage in Jesus Christ. Fr Thomas Augustine Judge

"God is my refuge and my strength, ever near to my heart. What should I fear though the earth should shake or the mountains fall in the sea - God will be my stronghold forever! Psalm 46

May I always embrace all that God sends my way! All I ask is for courage b/c I am the biggest coward on the planet - yet God will fill my lack - He certainly knows of what I am made. It is really cool to have the mindset of Fr Judge who was no stranger to insurmountable odds or adversity. He met it all with cheerful faith, never flagging never doubting. I hope that I can demonstrate that same cheerfulness and trust. I believe we are in for many turbulent time when we must choose between God and our comforts. But be at peace, God is ordaining it and we can completely trust in his Fatherhood! May I always be in the hands of God!

Mother

2009-01-31T06:52:00.000-08:00

Let us then resolve to practice daily devotion to Mary, our life, our sweetness and our hope. In all dangers and temptations we should fly to her protection as the child flies to its mother and seek our safety and consolation in her loving and maternal care. If we wish to share in Mary's happy Assumption into heaven, we must imitate her example, striving always to be clean of heart.

Let our devotion to her be constant and self-sacrificing as was Joseph's. Thus, by striving to imitate the virtues of the Holy Family, we shall bear in our lives the family likeness and in reality become brothers and sisters of Jesus and children of Mary, to live forever with them in heaven. Fr Thomas Augustine Judge

Lately, while raising two motherless goat kids, I have been reflecting a lot on motherhood. There are so many things I have to take care of that a mother would simply do by her presence. The correct food, the correct warmth and comfort, and the correct stimulus and guiding to new sustainence. It has made me look upwards as I try to patiently stand around while a baby discovers a grass blade and figures out if it is food or not! I want to be more aware of and take advantage of the wonderful gifts Jesus' Mother has for me. I loved her as a little child and then spent many years ignoring her and rejecting her wonderful love. I am now at the threshold of knowing her - for her mother's love forgave me long ago for my neglect and lack of respect. I am humbly grateful. Jesus' gave us his mother for very specific reasons and that is good enough for me. It behooves me to find out what those are. She is not only His mother - carrying perfectly the perfect Word in her womb - she is His perfect first disciple, our model - but so much more than that. She is my mother - and the more I am aware of the lack in my poor little orphans and the trouble I am put through to replace their absent does - the more it has made me understand that I want all that Mary has to give and I want to respect her and serve her as she brings me to her Son.

Perfect Peace

2009-01-29T03:49:00.001-08:00

Be thoroughly convinced that we are the work of the good Master Who with infinite foresight is at all times occupied with His creatures. Under His loving protection nothing can befall us contrary to His Will, nothing can hurt us without His permission. Whatever happens to us is so good that nothing better can be imagined. If He allows desolation to come to us, it is to save us from eternal tears. Fr. Thomas Augustine Judge

What a way to start the day! Perfect peace knowing that our loving Father has us in the palm of his hand. To rest so wonderfully in His love and care so that no matter what happens I know that He ordains it. I don't want anything outside of his Will.

The other day my husband Leo asked me to define what being good was. It is to do God's will and be open to His Will for my life.

Even in these troubled times I can rest and have confidence that God knows what He is doing. This should project me towards whatever He has for me to do and please God may I do it!

Of Dead Squirrels

2009-01-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

It is going to happen no matter how much you try to prevent it. I have a pack of rescue dogs and they WILL hunt. My littlest and most committed hunter, Skye came home with an unfortunate squirrel. She was very proud of it but I thought later regretted her decision.

She strutted around with it but found that it took careful, vigilant guarding to protect ownership. She had to take it everywhere with her and warn with stuffed mouth to keep away. When the others pretended not to care she stood forlorn as guardian while they ran up and down the field and played. At biscuit time she had to forgo the pleasure b/c her squirrel had her chained.

This gave me much food for thought. As the day wore on the poor squirrel, minus tail, got ragged and motheaten. And Skye was still defending it to the death and not getting to do any of her usual persuits. Worst of all, she couldn't be part of the gang. To be an outsider is the worst thing they can imagine. I wondered whether she just wanted to be done with it. But she could not let go.

I began to think about this in my personal life. I wondered what I held onto like that! It was easy - my pride. It isn't physical things anymore - but my standing, my dignity, my worth or whatever you want to call it. And like the radded squirrel, the more I defend it the uglier it becomes. When I grab onto my destiny, my worth, my reason for being then it surely grabs a hold of me! I defend it and become an outcast (I become so self-centered), when I hold it in my teeth I become very bad tempered (b/c I am worried about sustaining it), guarding it makes me forgo the pleasure in a simple day. The answer? I relinquish it to the One who gives it in the first place!

I realize that no matter what my personal dignity suffers (do I feel unappreciated?), am I unjustly maligned (who told that lie about me?), when I worry that God doesn't love the fool that I am (simiple depression), I can't do what I am supposed to do (I fail so often) - you get the idea that the squirrel is very much manhandled - ok womanhandled! So I am taking a page from Skye's book - it's not worth it!!!!

Ask and Allow

2009-01-10T09:41:00.001-08:00

There are those who believe that to work with horses you need to master them. They work on subjugation and intimidation. Some like me, ignorant or taught badly, learn to work against the horse’s natural character and individual personality. I can only say that I thank God I got into the hands of people who partner their horses and lead them with love and authority.

Once such excellent instructor I had used the term, “Ask and Allow”. As I was riding with her one evening the words began to make sense. Ask the horse. Teach the horse. Allow the horse to learn and take in the lesson. That particular teaching has made a patient person out of me. It began to open up my brain to what the horse was struggling to learn. And it taught me to give him all the time he needed to learn it. Such as in collection, when you ask a horse to soften his neck, round his back and engage his hindquarters. These are all things a horse must learn to do to balance the added weight of the rider. Normally, a horse is front ended. Add a rider and he must learn to go forward from the rear. To do this a horse must learn it, trust it and change. I must ride balanced, use correct aids to teach and learn to work with the horse.

I used to just get on and use my aids and expect it to happen. Okay, so I am not very intuitive! Horses struggle to learn and trust and must be “allowed” to do so in their own time. So as I ride I whisper this to myself and allow it to help me feel what my horse’s response is to my query. Sam, my Arabian horse, tends to run away when he doesn’t understand what is being asked of him. Or rather, if he doesn’t like what is being asked! I found that he was so unhappy and distracted by having a bit in his mouth I realized it wasn’t the type of bit he objected to. So I found a bit less bridle and there is joy in the camp. Even with this though, it has taken time for Sam to trust and to relax and to answer. The other day I saw him reach downward. He relaxed his neck, rounded his back and responded to my aids. Finally I was getting somewhere in the way I am committed to teach and learn.

This has had tremendous ramifications in my relationship with God as you can imagine. I don’t think the “ask and allow” phrase had ever entered into my communication process. I am eager to do His will. I take the “command” and either run away with it or force myself through all kinds of anxiety. My head comes up, my neck stiffens and my jaw clenches to “Thy Will Be Done!” And it isn’t from a bad heart any more than it is from a horse’s blank determination to thwart. It is from misunderstanding and miscommunication.

To illustrate this, I had an experience on a retreat that finally brought me to collection. It was a serious moment of enlightenment. God was showing me ways I related to my past that were very painful to me. He was showing me the difference between how I looked at that girl and how He did. I have never loved my youthful self but have always treated her with scorn at best, disgust at worst. All I ever saw were her failures. And in a blinding moment of revelation He showed me how He looked at my young self. Like the little lost lamb I saw her on his shoulders and being tenderly carried. And I felt he was “asking” me to look at her that way too.

Right away I strode down the country road, hands in pockets, head hunched between my shoulders to make this happen, to obey. And immediately I ran into a giant hand and a voice that said, “Stop!” I bounced off this imaginary hand and right away I realized something epic. I felt like God said to me, “I am not demanding that you do this. I don’t ever want you to force yourself to do anything I ask of you, even if it is for your own sake. I am inviting you to tear down walls inside. I am inviting you to love yourself as I do. Dear One, I don’t ever want you to look at Me as a demand.”

Right away I thought of “ask and allow”. I had to laugh at myself. God always surprises me. He is always infinitely ahead of me! So as I patiently explore my horse’s learning ability it effectively mirrors my own ability to accept God’s invitation and not His demand. The demand doesn’t exist.

Moving Forward

2008-12-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

As the year ends I can't help but think about moving forward. It is sort of comforting that we are always moving forward. Life shoves us along its river of doings and beings. Sometimes I swim with the current - thats a good day. Sometimes I get hit by a free flowing log - not so good! Sometimes I get hung up in slack water and float. But the river is going somewhere and thankfully as long as I stay in it I will get to the great Ocean of timelessness - or at least partake in the great timeless feast God has prepared for us. Maybe I'll get to serve at table! Maybe I'll get to wash dusty feet. Hopefully I am getting prepared now as I push forward each day.

Then there is the endless loop. Sunrise. Sunset. Feed animals. Peace for thirty seconds. Feed animals. Peace.....

Children are the master teachers of helping us adults to move forward. Their lives are moving at a much faster pace than ours so if we are lucky we latch on to their energy and ride the wave. After spending a whirlwind day with my granddaughters I wonder where the time went. I see their fresh, beauty and golden smiles and it seems that they have never been far away. Then the day is gone like the river in spate and I cannot grasp but the memory of it. It is a super sense of loss but then they return as if time has not really past....sure they are older but their freshness, discovery, openness to love carries me on its lovely electric current...in turn bringing me to life again. I find it even in my adult children (now that I have seven instead of five) their youth, their discoveries, their deepening sense of relationship carries me along the banks with effervescent speed. To gain children through marriage is a special delight. There is a purity there and a timeless river of discovering a person. Lauren has been this for me - such a beautiful woman in her own right but such a wonderful friend and it is a delight and such a gift for her to have joined our life and family. She has jumped into our river of life bringing with it so many gifts and I can sail down this river and partake......

Well I am moving forward now to fence fixing, granola making and whatever else rears its foamy head today....but what a grand opportunity!

Knowing

2008-12-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

This morning as LuLu bobbed ahead of me on the morning walk I was thinking about animals. Go figure! Acutally I was composing in my mind the final chapter of a book I am working on. It had to do with knowing. There is an interesting point in a relationship with a horse when they accept you and their home. You can see it in their eyes. When they first come they hold back commitment - they don't risk their comfort, their trust.

When I traded my first horse for Max it was a devastating decision for me. I get attached. When I found out the "good" home I was promised was a lie I mourned my decision and worried for years about where my good old Arabian had ended up. I decided right away to not get attached to this big, red, roman nosed horse. And he felt the same way. Because of his injuries he had been passed around and the year before I got him was stuffed away at a college somewhere to be politely neglected.

No, I wasn't going to commit. I wasn't going to go through the gut wrenching separation again! As I looked at Max in the stall the cold, blank look in is eyes assured me we were on the same path. As I came out regularly to work him I saw a change take place. At some point I saw recognition in the almost unreadable eyes. Then I saw that he was looking for me (not always happily) but still he had crossed the bridge of commitment. He had reached out. At that moment I realized that I had already met him halfway. We were suspended over the turbulent waters of chance. We were willing to risk everything for this relationship. I saw for the first time what I was blind to before: the knowing in a horse's eyes. They changed.

You can have all the belief, the doctrines, the dotted i's, the crossed t's in the world but until you know - I mean come to know - the person of God then you are just stuck on the far side of the bridge. Religion is ridiculous without meeting Him, letting him in, taking the risk. I stood in the stall waiting for proof, waiting to climb out of neglect, of being passed around, not finding a home. But then He came - never wavering, never leaving, always loving.....and that's what Max taught me about relationships. Unless a seed fall into the ground and die it remains alone.....in all my relationships, no matter what, Max taught me to reach out and take the risk. It is pretty funny that with all my intelligence that it took him to start the relationship! Thanks Max.

Picture of Hannah our new guard giant dog above. She is the sweetest!

Hannah, Tango and LuLu

2008-12-16T04:48:00.000-08:00

Marygate has widened its tent to include two more goat babies and an Anatolian Shepherd dog to guard my flock. It is good to get new life even though it changes my "comfortable" schedule. Night feedings and worries about youngsters reminds me of how little I like my routine changed!

I haven't focussed enough on Advent but God is faithful and is nudging me to think about serving Him better. In a discussion about the Beatitudes I realized for the first time that the reward of the beatitude is for this life. Frankly I have skimmed over the beatitudes for many years, acknowledging their efficacy for life and b/c they are Jesus' words! But the hard noggin finally realized that practicing them now produces the comfort, the land, seeing God...etc - all they promise is produced when we mourn, are peacemakers, are meek. I have been concentrating on being a peacemaker with my tongue - quite impossible to do on my own! Even when I am "justifyably" angry at a situation I am trying to see how I can bring peace and hope to all those around me. A life's project as my tongue is so unruly and the brain and attitude that feeds it!

LuLu my week old baby is capering about the house as I write - quite dangerous!

Profile in Courage

2008-11-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

I discovered the meaning of courage the other day. It existed in an exceptional family as they buried their wife, mother, sister, aunt, daughter. Suffice it to say that Cindy, who went to be with the Lord, is an exceptional person herself. She acted upon the grace bestowed on her in life and increased it hundredfold. She is the epitome of the servant of Christ. She suffered as Jesus suffered, no greater honor than this. And she bore it with utmost courage and faith and bequeathed it to not only her husband and children but all who ever met her here on earth.

I had the privilege to be her sister in law. And for all the 14 months of illness the outpouring of love and faith cannot be measured. And now she has graduated and been given greater responsibilities. She doubled her talents and as the parable says she is sharing in her master's joy. But her next task is to pray for us from the seat of the throne of God. And I believe she takes that task very seriously. Cindy never shirked, she was always 110 percent in earthly life, she will now give her all to pray for us and the hurdles we face every day. Cindy didn't want to leave and fought so very bravely to stay. But in the end she submitted to Our Lord's perfect will.

It is incomprehensible - the will of God. It is heartbreaking - the will of God. It is everything but despair and Cindy taught that to all of us. We do have perfect peace whose heart is stayed on Thee!

Congraulations Cindy - you've made it! Although I miss you already, I sense so clearly your elation, your peace, your energy as you meet the Beloved, and reach your hand back to us that we might follow.

Mailbox Saga

2008-11-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of bittersweet stuff going on right now in Marygate life. I guess it is time to sorta lighten it up by telling the "mailbox saga". Three years ago when we moved here, we proudly put out our Rubbermaid mailbox (personally I thought it ugly but that is another story). Within the first week it was annihilated. Leo glued it back together whereupon in the ensuing rest of the year it repeatedly felt the blows of the neighborhood hoodlums.

One day, after many fixin's, our neighbor told us that he spied our mailbox about a mile down the road. The boys finally figured out it just pulled out of the ground so they gleefully carried it with them.

So, then Leo decided to get the strongest mailbox we could legally get. (You know where this is headed don't ya?) It was so heavy I had trouble carrying it anywhere. The post was cast aluminum steel, the box welded to it and the whole sunk in three feet of concrete. We were so proud of that mailbox. I can't think why I didn't take a photo of it for posterity!

The first go the batboys had at it didn't yield a dent. So they unloaded as much shot at a short distance and blew all the numbers and paint off of it. Leo trudged down there and repainted it and put on new numbers. It looked just as good as when we first got it. It got a few blows in the coming months but we finally thought we'd beat them.

A month ago, we came out early one Sunday morning and found that they had taken a sledge hammer to it. So powerful were the blows or so dedicated I should say, they broke the weld and put deep dents all in the mailbox itself. It hung there forlornly in the October dawn.

SO after much counsel we decided to get a cheap mailbox and take it in every night. So for the last month Leo puts it out in the morning and picks it up when he gets home from work. This lasted for about a month.

Another Sunday morning and we walk out to find that they had used their truck to drive over the post, set in three feet of concrete mind you, until they broke it in half. Off to the store where we bought another post, this time six feet of treated 4x4 with a vinyl sleeve for looks. We dug the hole over four feet this time and prepared to pour in the concrete.

Then I had a brainy idea. Our neighbors had left some old horse drawn farm implements on our property. One was particularly heavy. Why not put the post in the middle of it? They would do heavy damage to any truck that might try to run over it.

It took ten years off my life to watch Leo maneuver the heavy, cumbersome mower onto the side of the road. But he did great job. As the mower settled we realized a tongue of metal made a perfect perch for the mailbox. So we dispense with the post. Now we are really country!

I only hope that the destruction stops. These particular boys ran over some other people's boxes and ended up doing significant damage to their truck. They were discovered so I hope that they can do something constructive with their lives! It is a shame when fun is so destructive of time and money.

I have put a picture of our mailbox b/c it is so funny!

Simple Joys

2008-11-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining and the breeze is like velvet against the face. Bugs are down and it seems like the perfect fall weather. And I have a twelve hour old email from my son who is in Afghanistan and you can't imagine how beautiful that feels.

And it was great to walk around the back fields yielding to God's call to be with Him. And to know at least a little the utter beauty of Him who loves us. "You are higher than the heavens, the world could not contain you...but you dwell within our hearts. There is none like Him."

That is what astounds me....the wonder of Our Lord and his stooping to make sure we could know the Way to Him. I have been preparing a segment on Baptism and just delving into it made me realize how we are indelibly changed when that water puts to death our sin. I realized that whether I choose to follow Him or not, I am His. Please God that I will always be yours! May I cease to displease you in all I do or say or think. I refuse to be my lowest denominator. I refuse, especially on such a beautiful day, to believe that my faults are outside the realm of God's transforming power. I guess that is why he doesn't repair us - He transforms us completely so that we become who He always meant us to be!

Thank you Lord that we have only moments with which to build our lives. The burden of the past and future is too hard to bear. So in Your mercy you parse it out so that our steps may be sure. I will trust in You.

The Glass is Full

2008-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Okay so I don't believe in the glass half empty theory. After all, if the glass is half full of water the other half must be full of air. Now in my estimation you would die a lot sooner of lack of air than water. So.....if I see the glass as half empty I am throwing my lot in with the air. I guess what I am getting at is that life always has opportunities. It always offers hope. It always offers choices that will determine where we will spend eternity.

I used to divide humans into two camps, the self-confident and the insecure. I, subscribing to the latter, would gravitate towards the former somewhat like a parasite. I guess I hoped that some of that courage would rub off - at the very least I could hide behind it. Then low and behold I found out that what I was, was the same! It is a polar issue: we wield power one way or the other. I had just as much power to change something, like a relationship, by my actions or refusal to act. I had power to the negative. I had a courage to move and shake that was very submerged but nonetheless there. So in a way I think of myself as the half glass of air. Both personality types are needed to run the human race. There is a purpose, an important purpose, for the depressive personality. For the self-confident have their own "power to the positive" to control or be controlled by. We can drown in a person's half glass of water.

Now I am not sure that this is important at all except for this: either power or personality has a potential for destruction unless it is properly submitted and humbled. How? By absolutely understanding our life and our place and purpose in it. Either you believe that your glass is all you have or that your glass is provided by someone else (and you know Who I am getting at) as a testing ground.

We are living in pivotal times. As a historian I take comfort in history - as a child I used to take great comfort in it. I always believed back then that the bad stuff was over and I was fortunate to live in good times. I have always loved my country and have been grateful to be a citizen of it. I have long since realized that the times are not static - there is always something of which to fight and speak. Evil is always present. But as Jesus says, "I have overcome the world." May we turn the gifts God has given each of us to goodness, and have the courage to stand, and die, for it.

Life

2008-10-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

I was speaking with my neice, an intelligent, thoughtful young lady of twelve the other day. She came to sit with me as the dining room contingant were discussing politics. Because there were more able bodied and adroit speakers than myself I just sat on the sidelines with my crochet. She said, "I hate talking about politics." I answered, "I don't enjoy it but sometimes it is necessary. My idea of voting is very simple. The bottom line is, is the candidate for abortion or not? If a person cannot get it right at the level of our unborn children then they can't get anything right."

I have had that ideology for a long time and it has never failed me. Because ultimately God gives authority. Jesus said to Pilate, "You would not have authority over me where it not from my Father in heaven." So as I vote I believe I must vote for Life which can only come from God. If I ever vote for death at this most precious basic level I cannot call myself a Catholic, Christian, human being. Lots of people talk about how the pro-life candidates start wars etc....I am not talking about people being perfect. But murder of our babies who are the most innocent can NEVER be a person worthy of being a public servant.

Okay War. Who in their right mind wants war? That is insane. And there are insane people out there who want our country wiped off the face of the earth. They want all of those unlike them to be either converted or killed. Ther is a group of people who have this mindset. How we deal with that is very different from person to person. But the bottom line is this: God will judge us for killing our children either by a foreign power or our own astute ability to do ourselves in.

I pray for His mercy on all of us, but must, must welcome His justice and partake in it. After all His Son did and he was most innocent of all. I would find myself in wonderful company to carry His cross in any way He sees fit for me.

Hope

2008-10-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

"Hope does not disappoint us...." You'll find that in Romans five right after Paul talks about all the things that make us three dimensional. I hope you read it. It is the first five verses of that passage. Hope must be divine. Anyway I believe it is. What I wrote about fear was a frustrated cry from the heart. It was informing you a hidden part of me. But it wasn't the last word. I am still in a dark place right now but the historian in me, the faith child in me clings to hope not as a rope on a cliff, but as arms holding me all the time. And it is in the dark places where I get to exercise that will that says to evil and the Evil One, "No matter what you throw at me I will not doubt that God has me in his arms and He will save me from all harm." It is a chance to "set my face like flint, knowing I will not be put to shame" as the suffering servant speaks of Himself in Isaiah. In fact it is my defining passage. I love that image to "set my face like flint" even as the enemy plucks my beard. I hope you read that passage also, I think it is chapter 49.

I do envy people who have hope naturally, courage naturally but that is not my path. I believe God has made me the way I am as a safety for my soul. In the horse world wise people say that we tend to buy horses that mirror our personalities. That was a major insight to me when I realized that Max is just about the strongest willed horse in the kingdom. If he doesn't back down from a buckskin mare whose name is Duchess and uses her back legs like battering rams then I am in trouble. Yet I had to laugh at God's joke. He has such a wonderful sense of humor! I have this will ......so strong to the negative pole.....so thanks!

Hope will never disappoint. There is nothing outside of Our Lord's blessed sight or intervention. There is nothing that is not from His Hand if we are in his arms and wanting His will in our lives. What a comforting thought!

Fear

2008-10-10T04:14:00.000-07:00

I wanted to greet the day worthy of its beauty. The dawn is just crisping over the treetops and the animals are restless, but not yet yelling, for their modicum of breakfast. Soon.....

I think that when I came out of the womb the first feeling I encountered was fear. If I could have spoken I am convinced that it would have been that. And it has been my major battle my whole life. I think the worst thing is that it makes me mean and small spirited and that is a true battle. I realize how thin a veneer is my front of courage. Everyday I ask the Holy Spirit for courage realizing that I have none and only hope for it.

I cannot defeat the fear that is part of me. I cannot separate it from myself. My own battle is a conflict that only lowers its head, it does not leave.

How comfortable I am! How I surround myself with that which is unthreatening to me! How I am so careful to not injure the bubble I protect myself with! All the time I know that this bubble is so fragile and it is so patched that my vision through it is distorted.

I have asked God why I am the way I am. Why has fear been such a part of my very soul - inseparable? Why is my life such battle? Conflict with myself is really all I understand or have ever understood. If it brings me to God then I thank Him. But it is an uncomfortable bedfellow. I wish sometimes I could just fling it off and be free of it. That I must look forward to.

Oh wretched woman that I am! That which I want to do I fail to do. That which I want to be is as unreachable as the stars. To be a fine person through and through evades me and teaches me the mercy of God. Not that I love fear nor like what it does to me, but if it is the only vehicle that brings me to my knees then I must welcome it.

Simply Wise

2008-10-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading Archbishop Fulton J Sheen last night. He is such a wonderful writer and holy man. He spoke about how only the simple and the wise can know God. And the link between the two is humility. He said at the Nativity there were the shepherds and the Wise men. So I thought, which am I? And I decided that I would love to be simple and my tortured mind won't let be. So I must settle for simply wise. My wisdom is this: I don't really know anything but that Jesus' died so that I might live. I can't figure out the Trinity but I believe it. I can't figure out what will happen to me or any that I love, but I believe in His Great Love for them. Sheen was, in a sense, combining the two - the Wise men were smart enough to know that they didn't know so they sought. The shepherds were wise enough to see heaven's host and know that something supernatural was happening.

Those who cannot know God are those who think they know already. They have no need of God because they know - they cannot be taught ignorance nor realize their ignorance. Their quest is only a search to prove what they already believe to be true. This to me would be the greatest tragedy of my life - to think I know and cannot be taught, cannot be humbled by my most gracious Lord - Jesus reduce me to love. Please Lord, let me always be humbled every moment of my life - stooping to enter the cave where you were born and standing to find myself in heaven's land.

Cultivating Silence

2008-09-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

When you have tinnitus as I do, silence is not an option anymore. When you have goats silence ceases except for rare moments. I am learning to stop when the farm noises cease. If I can block out the ringing in my ears then I savor the silence. I realized the other day that it probably isn't silent in heaven. The praises of our God will be constantly sung. So His silence must be of a different type. I guess it is the silence of complete fulfillment, completion, attainment, no more longing. So I decided to try to cultivte God's silence - being still in His presence and savoring the meatand drink that is His grace and presence. His silence isn't the absence of sound as it is down here. I don't think so anyway.

Many years ago, as a young woman of nineteen or so, I had a vision. I had gone to pray out in a field early in the morning. It was a bright sunny morning in summer. A tractor already was threading its way across a field and its steady drone was rather peaceful. It looked like an ant crawling across the grasses. That is the last thing I remembered for awhile.

Suddenly there appeared an enormous angel ( at least I think it was, but it was a being that I could see) in the distance. But it wasn't the sight of it that held me, it was the sound. There was singing - and such a singing that it was life itself. It fed me as no mel has ever fed me. I wanted to be gathered up into this song. The physical feeling of it has never left me. The silence of God is life itself. The praises of God sung by us IS our food. And it is the sublimest energy - of course beyond description. At that time God buried in my core His song and I understand in a minute way why my soul longs for Him and will not be happy until I enter that song.

When I awoke I was laying flat on the ground and had no idea what time it was. The tractor was gone. I picked myself up, wondering where I had been, contemplating the absolute sound of silence that was vibrating in my being.

I promptly stepped on two honey bees, on in each foot. I had to perform that night with a dance troup. I floated home walking on the outside of my feet. After the stinging left I was perfectly fine. I performed and the next morning my feet swelled up and I was out for the count. Down to earth!

I Came to Love You Late

2008-09-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hey is anybody out there? It is funny that the reason I created this blog no longer exists! Anyway I do have an active brain that can't help musing and hoping it does some good for someone and maybe interesting once and awhile.

My mind has been absorbed with womanhood of late. I can't seem to get away with it. Or feminity perhaps. I saw it at my son's wedding. I see it in my granddaughters. I witness Evil's onslaught to warp it. I see the absolute importance of understanding gender differences. And because I understand it, the onslaught to warp it makes perfect sense.

At the beginning, Satan saw God's intent for human beings because they were unlike any creation before. They are in the image of His Son and that is why Satan hates human beings. That is why abortion is such a sacrament to the unsaved, the deceived. Every time an abortion ends a human life, Satan rejoices b/c it is a little like killing Jesus all over again. But he doesn't know the whole story. He just likes destroying little babies and their mothers who abort them.

So this is about woman. It is about what God's mind was in creating her. And of course I have to go to Jesus's mother to find out what the epitomy of God's mind is regarding woman. She is the ultimate bearer and nurturer of Life. Mary was "full of grace". Think about that for a moment. She was full of the power of God. Full. Complete. Capable of great suffering for us as her son was. I am not infering that her suffering was greater. I am saying that her suffering was greater than any other human being b/c she was full of grace. Every mom knows that we don't mind being chopped up as long as you leave our children alone. It was much more painful for Mary to see her son suffer than for her to suffer likewise herself. Yet she bore it so bravely and steadfastly. She had to ponder it in silence and embrace her grief as her Son embraced His separation from His Father.

Jesus spent thirty years at home. I believe He was training his Mother to help the Church He would found. The church needed her to nurture it to life. In Catholic teaching Mary is the symbol of the Church and is Its mother. So if I want to be a woman - as God created her to be - it makes sense to look at her and to ask for her intercession, her prayer to help me understand and be the woman God wants me to be.

As a child I really loved Mary and grew up in my Catholic faith not worshipping her but having a profound love and respect for who God made her to be - chosen to nurture His Only Son - beyond human comprehension! The Father gave us His Son for salvation, for everything. But He also, in His wisdom, gave us the first disciple of Jesus, His mother. As the ultimate human being, she can help me apprehend and grow closer to my Lord. She has done it, she has suffered and rejoiced as no other human being has - and as the Catholic Church as always taught me - She always points us to Her Son. At Cana, the last words the gospel records of Mary is "Do whatever He tells you.." So is her message to us now.

For a time I rejected Mary and my Catholic love for her and by God's grace have found it profoundly and wanted to publicly thank her for her love and care for me. For her nurturing in me the life of her Son whom she nurtured as no one else ever has. To sit and ponder what she went through bogles the mind. So, thank you mom. I came to love you again, late. But in God's good time, enough time.

The Root

2008-09-20T06:51:00.001-07:00

Years ago I was teaching a computer course for beginners. One session involved buying a PC and the way one goes about the decision. One of the things we talked about was, "Why do I want a computer and for what will I use it?" Back then this was a legitimate question. Last night while I was struggling with sleeplessness I thought about that question in terms of politics. I decided that intead of "party line" voting, I needed to ask myself the root questions that I asked when determining what kind of computer I needed. So I ask myself in terms of candidates, "What do I want and need in my public servants?" Indeed today there are few public servants - more like royalty....but that is a different subject.
I am a conservative - meaning I am for, protection for the unborn, lower taxes, less government, less entitlements or even none for that matter!, strong nationalistic policy, strong defense, limited foreign intervention but nonetheless a strong support for our allies. Now how do I get this with my vote? Or let it be better stated, how do I get the most of what I want with my vote? I need to look at not only what they say (maybe that should be last) but what they have done. The only words that are important are the ones that have backed up past action and reveal the character of the person. And I can't afford to be non-informed, disgusted, or blind about my vote. It is all I have. It must be important or all I believe in as an American citizen is worthless.
I am proud to be an American. As a student of history, you have to admit, for all our meddling we have conquered but not occupied, supported, bled and died but not counted the cost, defended freedom......we have freedom and I think lots of people don't realize what it is to give it away by voting emotionally, or not voting. Just study history and see how the cycle goes. Nothing happening in our country today is new. What we do with what we have is.
Each time in history there have been a few people who would not let our country down. No matter the cost - life, reputation, personal wealth....I have recognized that I am not one of the select. However my little vote counts and yours does too - just study the root of the candidate and what you want as a citizen. There are forces today in our country that want to blur us into the "globe" and rob us of our nation. And they sit on both sides of the aisle and also IN the aisle.
Well I have done.....I know what I want.....do you?

BIB - blogger is Back!!!

2008-09-19T17:59:00.001-07:00

September is almost over, hard to believe. I have constructed numerous blogs in my head but there is almost too much to talk about! Today I was distilling it in the word, focus. Focus has helped me through many hurdles. I learned about it through riding my horse Max. If you get really good at focussing you can turn a horse with your eyes. Looking at where you are going is always a good thing and when you do then the rest of life goes there too. Now that can be good or bad. Once I was riding Max around the outside of my arena. Max is a expert of taking off pieces of knees especially on trail rides and this time it happened to be the corner posts of the arena. No matter how I steered him, I narrowly missed bumping my knees on the solid posts. As we an around and around I kept my eye on those posts so that I could, at the last minute, steer his large body around them.

I was quite anxious about it. Then I realized that I was actually causing the problem by looking at the posts! I was sending Max into them. I quickly shifted my focus to the space beyond the posts and presto! no more problems. I learned a great deal from that experience.

Where is my focus? How does my focus determine my actions, or the actions of others? I realize so deeply that I can be a peacemaker or a troublemaker by simply the words and body language behind them. I can either be a power for good by my focus or deep in the "crapper" b/c I lose hope. And I can carry all those around me into the posts.

Learning to focus helped me learn not to be afraid. Max and I had a bad accident that made me afraid to ride for a long time. Max had issues with a corner of a large field I was trying to negotiate. It scared me to ride "down there" where I knew he would try to spook and run away. A teacher told me to always focus on the next corner post in the field. "Don't focus on the scary part but look intently beyond." I started to look hard at the post and to send Max there. After a few times I even forgot about the scary section. I couldn't believe it. Focus.....even when it is scary, unknown or challenging.

I like to think of it as looking at the God space around something - rather than my attitude, fears or worries. Looking at the God space helps me focus on God and His will rather than all the mess that composes our daily life. And it certainly helps me focus on all the beauty of the earth, life and people that come my way.

I learned this when I spent time with family in the Northwest recently. The beauty and generosity of the people I met will help me focus always on the greatness of people. It was such a joy to love and be loved by them all and to witness their friendship and focus on what really matters in life - loving each other. I had to ask myself how often I forfeit that through irritation, selfishness, self pity or whatever.....and I crash my knees against the posts.

Thanks Max - he rode really well today, the old boy still has it in him!

Just be Happy?

2008-09-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

The other day I was watching a television series someone lent me (okay it was House MD). The season finale was sad but strangely uplifting. A girl, who in previous shows was fairly cutthroat and self centered performs a good act for Dr House. Subsequently, as a consequence of that good act she dies. As she is dying, her lover asks her why she isn't angry - at the fate. Mark Twain said, "No good deed goes unpunished" and in her case she paid the ultimate price. She says to Dr Wilson, "I don't want anger to be the last thing I feel." I think in television's idea and certainly the show's idea is that there is nothing beyond this life. Even so, that is such a wonderful response. It has resonated with me for several days now. There is so much unrest, unresolved, unasked for, unexpected "stuff" we encounter every single day - and so much major stuff lots of people encounter....I just decided to make an effort - a daily effort - to not let anger, bewilderment, irritation, hurt or anything like that to be what I finally feel each day. I want to just be happy. And the secret to this is gratitude. The author of "The Hidden Messages in Water" came to that conclusion also. The root of all life is gratitude. And it is the harbinger of true, self sacrificing love. And of course, all of this is impossible. Unless of course, you subscribe to the Author that lets not one sparrow fall to the ground.

I want to echo that image of that young woman in my mind. I want to never let anger be the last thing I feel each day. Nor do I want despair or bewilderment to rule. Sometimes tv gets it right! Fr Judge said that we do find wisdom in all places if we are looking for it.

A Tree Runs through It

2008-08-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

I was able to plant a bunch of pine trees and three oak trees today before the major rain fall that they are promising. What a difference from the last two years as I witnessed about fifty trees that I planted die in the drought. I am not an environmentalist to the extreme but I love all of life and see such glory in it. I think of the tremendous amount of energy that goes into the survival of tree, bird or animal. And though we all must die there is a comfort in that also b/c we will live again and much better! And God will not forget his creation - they groan also and wait upon the glorious Redemption. So as the rain begins to pitter patter on my tin roof I am glad I got those trees in the ground!

My granddaughter turns three today and what a gift Ava is to our whole family. It is beyond comprehension that God lets us participate in the creation of His child, an immortal soul that He loves and cherishes. Not one child born escapes His notice or care. In Psalm 139 it says we are fearfully and wonderfully made - what poverty words are to express the delight of a child! And when they are connected to you - well it makes me glad to be alive! Happy Birthday AVA!!!

You are so loved and cherished by your parents and all of your family. What a delightful future we will all have with you!

How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place O Lord of Hosts, my heart longs and faints for your courts and my heart and flesh sing for joy to the Living God. For a day in your presence is far better to me than gold - or to take my fate upon my hands. I would rather be a door keeper in your courts than to spend my whole life somewhere else!

You are my sun and my shield - my Lover from the start - and the highway to your city runs through my heart!

What Reigning is All About

2008-08-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

I don't intend on making this blog a podium. I guess I have enough "bombs" in my life to prevent that. But I can't help but share thoughts as I live my daily life. As in the 10 commandments, the "thou shalt nots" become the focus. So I think that to the naked eye the top heavy maleness of the Catholic Church (and other major Christian denominations) is misunderstod. Most women, Catholic and others alike, think that major reformation is needed to make the genders equal. However it is a secular and erroneous viewpoint when it comes to the Body of Christ.

Indeed God offers and has always offered something much more precious to women than the priesthood. Jesus himself, in a time when women were property, elevated the woman to all dignity and worth - but He didn't equate equality with "sameness". God intentionally created them male and female. He chose a woman to bear His Only Begotten Son. He chose a woman to nurture and raise Him. Jesus' mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, must be our example as women in the Catholic Church today. If you think that means men make all the decisions and women just go about mopping up then you are missing out of the whole Spiritual dimention of who Mary is. I like to think that Jesus thirty years sojourn with His Mother was a remarkable training ground for Mary's influence in the origin of His Church. She is His first disciple, a remarkable creation - full of grace! Think about that - to be full of grace. Mary alone yielded to that Grace more importantly than anyone before or since. Sit down sometime and contemplate Mary carrying Jesus in her womb, holding him as a child. Learning from him as a man. This was given to a woman before men.

I guess there is no denying that Jesus came as a male. He appointed 12 male apostles to lead His Church. In God's realm, according to His Holiness John Paul II's Theology of the Body, the male's role is the initiator. He is really the servant. The woman's role is the receiver of the gift. She takes it and nutures it whether it be child or doctrine or revelation. And it is together that we see how God operates. Indeed, it is His sign to us of the Trinity. If we busy ourselves with equality and sameness we run very shy of why God created us and we miss out on what He has for us personally. I'm sorry I am not into inclusive language - I am not that insecure.

So when it comes to Mass, the priest must be male b/c not only Jesus and the apostles were and their successors, but they stand in Christ's stead as the sacrifice of the Mass is celebrated. If as the Catholic Church teaches, that in all Sacraments the priest is representing Jesus it seems a little ridiculous to put a woman there - if you get what I mean.

In our society today and even historically, the definition of maleness is dominance. In God's realm it is service. In secular society gender must be equal and same. In God's realm it is complimentary and equal. Both are needed to present God's message to all people (there! inclusive).

God has given us His Son to win for us adoption into His family. We who believe in His gift of grace will one day reign with Him - when we understand what reigning is all about.

Body Parts or Mortification?

2008-08-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, I want you to ask yourself a very serious question. I mean you have to really consider this carefully. What is more important to you, pride or body parts?

This morning I had to ask myself this question. I chose to conserve my body parts and endured, well, mortification. At least I can just be busy and not think about it.....but heck...why not share it with the world? At any rate you might get a laugh out of it. We can all use a laugh.

While picking up manure this morning in the dewy hip high grass, I noticed my dogs sniffing warily around something. I approached it thinking it was a carcass of some sort - but no - it looked just like a small bomb. It was rusty and it was close to the fence, someone could have easily lobbed it over from the road. Now, I know what you are thinking, but I live in a place where the common entertainment is to shoot up or knock over or destroy mail boxes regularly.

So what do you do? Do you take a chance and pick it up? Do you?

Well I called the police department and I feel great that I perked that guy's day right up. He met me out there in the field...fortunately he never had to get out of his car. It turned out to be a piece of my mowers muffler (I always thought that piece looked like a bomb). You can't be too careful these days. And hallelujah - the Cr---I mean Snapper has found a new home! So I guess there is something to enduring mortification, a new, used mower!

Getting My Crow

2008-08-13T05:50:00.000-07:00

We have undergone a new rigorous training here at Marygate. Innocently enough, it began in early March when we bought 15 little day old chicks. Fourteen of them were hens as advertised. But God saw fit to make one of them male. And is he gorgeous! Sultan, as he is known, is a very strict time keeper. Starting anywhere from four o'clock to five he begans heralding the dawn. As we stumble out of bed in the dark there is no reason to check the Eastern horizon. A few faint streaks of gray are cracking the eyelid of the sun.

There is no snooze button on the rooster alarm. Every ten seconds (I counted) Sultan crows. And he doesn't stop until someone comes out and lets him out of his coop. As I grumbled to myself the other day I wondered for the umpteenth time "why am I, with five grown children, living on a farm with roughly 30?" Why are not my husband and I traveling, taking it easy, eating out every once and a while? Why don't I have just a big yard with a dog that can easily go to a boarding house instead of scrambling for a caretaker when I must leave? Answer: I don't leave. At least not very often.

God has everything to do with it. We are privileged to have placed on us an apostolic call to serve Him and we think that this is the begining of what He wants.

Sultan had to learn his crow. At first as his feathers grew so did his confidence and his voice. He sounded like a little girl with her finger caught in the door or someone who just had ice thrown down their back.....but one day he speared me with his eye and let a "cock a doodle doo" erupt proudly.

I feel like Sultan. I am not sure what kind of feathers I am growing but I must learn my crow in fits and starts. I have to practice and fumble along trusting in what God wants us to do here. I hope and pray it will be as in Emily Dickinson's poem "to lift one fainting robin, unto his nest again - I shall not die in vain." Okay, Sultan's the one on the left b4 he got all his feathers.

Women Priests?

2008-08-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of this mantra! And I am so tired of the idea that the RC Church is "anti-woman" just b/c she isn't a priest. Jesus said, "That is not how it was in the beginning." Meaning that today's idea of men and women in the secular world is really screwed up. For years I kept my mind opened, not b/c I ever thought women priests were a right possibility but I wanted to be open. Well...there is a difference between being open and being informed. Thanks to His Holiness John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" I can echo Jesus' words....there is a reason for two genders and each must fulfill what they are fashioned for in order to understand the nature of God. Man and woman and their gender roles point to the very heart of God. The perfect example was the fact that Jesus is truly man as well as God and His apostles are all men. Woman finds her fulfillment and apex in the Blessed Virgin Mary.....I wouldn't want to be like anyone else! She is the ultimate first disciple and the model for all women - the ultimate receiver of God's life. This is what God offers us as women - to receive life....it can't get any better than that. Just to lighten things up I put a picture of Taddy to remind us how funny and cute life can be.

The Dignity of Man

2008-08-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

I just watched a special on John Paul II. I got it for $3 at Big Lots and was it good! I am preparing sessions for Catholic Initiation which begins this week for our parish and I think I want to talk about the dignity of man and how the RC Church defends it. Truly this is at the seat of all wars - disrespecting and disregarding each person's freedom. How difficult it is to order my life around respecting and putting other's needs before my own! Yet that is what the Son of God did even when he was mourning and when he was exhausted. His Holiness John Paul II did that as well and it was good to be reminded of it. I want all who come to the class to know that they are unique, loved and watched over by the greatest Lover of all. And that He respects their free will and honors their honest seeking.

Monday I had the felicity of spending the day with three of my best girls (of which I am very fortunate to have six!). Lauren, Ava and Mia spent the day with ole granny and we had a great time. Ava (granddaughter #1) named my other two roosters and delighted in their crowing right up close and personal. All the hens are named Pru b/c they all look exactly alike and we figured they wouldn't mind. Speed, Rhode Island Red Rooster number 1 is "Speed" and the little RIR runt is "Skart" (not sure where that came from). Of course the beloved "biscuit time" the dogs usually get in the evening got celebrated numerous times througout the day. Ava is one of their favorites! Mia was very happy to move her happy feet all over the place if I held her hands. She is a budding rapper though b/c she can lay on her tummy and spin like a top laughing all the way.

I think of them, loved, cherished, bright and wonderful - by their parents and family and God. I hope that all children may experience that - at least some day. You go Dani!

Addendum

2008-07-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am new at this. The top photo is Sam the arab who is on the perpetual diet. Max is next in profile, the incorrigible "smoochie man" who has a smile for all of us (to be demonstrated as technology advances) and Duchess ultimate queen and not a very good photo so I will have to get with her on that!

Happy tails to y'all!

Rain! Rain! Rain!

2008-07-31T18:46:00.001-07:00

This is the third day of rain - some rain at least - down here in drought ridden Alabama. My soul flies with joy at each drop. The last two and a half years have been agony - dry grass, dry earth, trees dying for lack of water. I did compile a list of ten good things about drought to hold my anguish at bay....and to trust that God certainly knows how to keep nature growing! It is pretty idiotic of me to think I know better. At any rate the rain this year has watered my soul as well as the soil.....so many more people suffered more than my little farm. I hope they are full of joy with each drop as well.

As promised I will start to introduce the animal menagerie here at Marygate. They are mostly happy some of the time! Except for Sam who is in a weight loss camp in the woods - as a long time dieter myself I feel his pain....Bo who as a donkey is allowed to be mornful about everything and is. Everyone else is happy as long as they are fed except the dogs who expect their daily ramble in the thickets around back. You would think twenty acres was enough but no they must explore the other hundred as well!

I do heartily and publicly thank God for the rain! Its cool wetness is salve to the soul.
I guess it is funny that I introduce my animals before my family but I think I want it that way. The children are first always and forever (well you know husbands rank before first in the realm of beforefirstness that is indescrible and goes without saying).

Teresa Tomeo

2008-07-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

"Newsflash! My Surprising Journey from Secular Anchor to Media Evangelist." This is a new autobiography by a gutsy, holy woman of God, Teresa Tomeo. It talks about her incredible life as a news anchorwoman and a radio evangelist and defender of the Catholic faith. Bezalel Books is the publisher (link down below) and Cheryl Dickow, CEO of the company is a dear friend and strong Christian woman herself. Both women are examples of living and serving God in the world today and making a difference.

Congratulations Teresa and Cheryl and may it inspire many women to follow Christ as you do!

The Farm

2008-07-29T21:29:00.001-07:00

Marygate early in the morning. Stay tuned for the animal show in the next few days!

I just can't sleep

2008-07-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

You know the feeling. Your mind is racing with all it has to do. You are over tired. And like a child you fret into your hot, mushy pillow. Your eyes refuse to stay closed. And then you have an idea for an article. Your mind grabs it, chases it, writes and rewrites it......well I might as well get up.

The crickets are going great guns, the frogs are tuning up in the pond. A distant yip yip of a coyote cuts across. They all sound like they belong - belong to the night. "He gives to His beloved in sleep." I guess tomorrow will come and what needs to happen will happen. No use getting stressed about it. The crickets tell me that.

I hope that all of you who are up tonight will take a moment to listen to the still, dark and noisey night. They are good sounds, comforting sounds of the night dwellers. One up for the night - it doesn't have to be bad does it?

The Long Hot Summer

2008-07-28T06:03:00.000-07:00

Today the sun is out in full Alabama force and the animals take cover in the woods. The roosters are running all over the woods and encouraging their ladies to come out of the trees. A few rain showers has made most of nature happy this Monday morn.

Sam the horse waits patiently for his ride. The dogs wait patiently for their walk in the back woods with Sam. There seems to be a lot of waiting at Marygate. Waiting to happen. Waiting to be. Waiting to unfold to God's plan.....a waiting with expectation. May she fulfill all the God has for her.

No Time Like the Beginning!

2008-07-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

July 25th and Marygate is born on the web. This blog site is dedicated to the Blessed Mother and I ask for her protection and inercession for all that Marygate Farms represents. Located in the very hot location of Trinity, Alabama, Marygate is home to Leo and Harriet, perpetrators, 17 goats, three horses, four dogs, four cats (depending on the day), 15 chickens, and a donkey. From time to time our five children and two grandchildren visit and liven the quiet life up quite a bit. And always we welcome all who want to come and breathe in country air (and a bug or two - uh- million) and just settle down.